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This Was a Mistake
- Mar 13, 2010 at 10:02 PM
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- Comments (6) Total Views (136) Everyone can see this journal post.
We're in Plainview, visiting Ranger Daddy's mom. She's been sounding really depressed when we talk with her on the phone so we wanted to come down and check on her. Fugu (the middle brother) has been checking on her regularly but he recently departed for Saipan for a two year assignment there. T3 (youngest brother) lives in Houston, works a crazy busy schedule and, to my knowledge hasn't had time to come up since the funneral. So it's on us to make sure she's okay.
Well, we know that her doctor recently put her on anti depressents. There must be some sort of placebo effect going on becasue depression meds usually take a month to six weeks to become fully effective. But his mother has gone from wandering around the house whispering about how things will never be the same to well, I'm not sure what's going on in her head.
I used to feel welcome in that house. Right now, I'm pretty sure I was made welcome because of Ranger Daddy's father. While his mother clearly thinks (still, always has) I'm much better than his ex, there's a vague sense of disapproval in her voice and manner. I have no clue why and frankly, I don't really want to know. I am who I am. She can take me or leave me as far as I'm concerned.
There are other issues as well. Fugu and Ranger Daddy are at odds, mainly because of some things Fugu said to RD about me after their dad's funeral. I was called a whore, among other things. Ranger Daddy told him not to contact us any more. Their mother is putting a lot of pressure on RD to make up with his brother. She wants RD to apologize and make ammends. She has no idea what Fugu said about me and RD doesn't want to tell her. He feels that's information a southern lady (which she most definitely is) does not need to know.
I want to tell Ranger Daddy to kindly keep his mouth shut and not mention his brother ever again, and smile and nod when his mother brings up the topic. Will I? No, most definitely not.
There seems to be some familial resentment around the choices RD and I made regarding his dad's funeral. The other two boys stayed for three days or more after the funeral. We left the day of the funeral, in late afternoon. His mom and Fugu both think we didn't care enough to stay. I'm not going to defend our choices here. I don't need to. Suffice to say, we had pressing personal reasons why we felt it was necessary to get back into town. The mere fact we made it down there in absolutely awful weather to me says we felt it was important to be there even if we couldn't stay several days.
Yeled is also who he is. He's a two year old boy and he's not going to change his personality just because the people around him don't remember what a high energy toddler can be like. When we were here for the funeral, I felt grossly uncomfortable. Except for the time we spent in our hotel room, pretty much all I did was chase Yeled around tell him no and fetching him away from things he could break or that could hurt him. I felt unfriendly because I could never just sit and talk with anybody. I felt like glares accompanied every move Yeled made, because he's energetic and, quite frankly, noisy. If it had been possible, I probably woudl have tried to track someone down for him to stay with while we were gone. It was quite clear a lot of people felt that a young child should not have been there.
Never mind that when I was four, my great grandfather died and my family attended his funeral. If I was four, then one brother was two and the other had just been born. MY extended family, as far as I know, had no issue with we little ones being there.
I'm getting the same sense today. Yeled is running around and I'm running around behind him trying to save my MIL's antiques from certain destruction. She offered us to stay at her home but the room Yeled would have stayed in has a tall bookshelf crammed with antique ceramic lady's heads. You know what would happen at 5 am tomorrow morning before everyone gets up? Yup, he'd start pulling heads off the shelves and bashing them together. UGH So we're in a hotel my MIL insisted on paying for.
The other issue with my mood today is that at various points I've managed to lose EVERY important document we possess. Well, almost every one. The insurance card and truck regestration are safe. But I've lost the ATM card (and the new pin number for it). I've also managed to lose RD's government ID and my driver's liscense. Now, we have found the ATM and pin number. The ID and DL are still MIA. I've a dreadful feeling they fell out of my pocket at a parking area about an hour north of here when I finally pursuaded RD to let me drive for awhile.
We shouldn't have come. We should have just continued to maintain contact with his mother through phone, snail, and email.
Oh, and I can't go to sleep because Ranger Daddy is already asleep and Yeled is not. I won't get to sleep until Yeled is so tired he pretty much falls asleep on his feet. Otherwise, I'll spend the night sandwiched between Yelda, who is sleeping beautifully at the moment, and Yeled, who will kick and scream and refuse to sleep until it overcomes him in mid stride.
We should not be here
We should not be about
We should not be here
While mother is out.
Comments:
I know it's hard, but even though she is being cranky, I'm sure she is very happy you are there.
I also know about the funeral thing. My sister's own kids couldn't even go to her funeral. Lump only came with me because I was breastfeeding him still. The rest of the kids under 6 had to be with a babysitter(s). I am sorry that people just don't understand that a young child is hyper. It's in their nature.
Ignore the bad and try to focus on the good. The fact that you are there means so much to a woman who just lost her husband. Your husband wanted to be there for his mom... and the kids get to know their grandma.
Sorry Friend. I probably don't have any words of wisdom right now....but I know how it feels to feel unwelcome. My MIL left her kids (my hubby & his 2 sisters) when they were all in elementary school, his father raised them. She's only been back in our lives since we've been married with kids....and although she's trying to make amends, it's clear that most of the time, my children (nobody else has any), are an absolute nuisance to her and the other so-called women in the family. I have absolutely nothing in common with any of them, and it makes my skin crawl to have to be around them too long. With that said, I don't mean to say your MIL really feels that way. She's dealing with a lot right now - all of you are. Maybe signals are getting mixed up, and people are acting certain ways simply because they can't "act" or "feel" normal right now? You're doing your part, that's all that matters. Sometimes it stinks, but you'll get through it and back to YOUR life soon enough, right? Good luck.
I'm a bit lost - haven't been in CM much and don't know when the funeral was. Yes, it's very hard to travel with a youngster in tow. And it's difficult to keep the child from hurting self or breaking things that were not properly put away and out of reach. And yes, being there for a single day is far better than not being there at all, and sometimes it's all you can manage, so that's how it is. If someone's feelings are hurt by the brevity of your stay, that's their problem, not yours. You did what you could do. As for the family crap, I'll message you about that.
Oh, some anti-depressants do start working within only a few days. They haven't reached "complete effectiveness" but the person does start coming "up" sooner than a month or so.
I'm sorry things have not gone well....All I can offer are hugs and you can have as many of them as you want!
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Please just hold your head up high and say is there anything you need help with. Smile and that will burn there britches. They will not expect kindness after everything they have said.
Good Luck with the family.
- peacefulkids
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