Heartbroken bc I miss my baby girl...

[gobabygogogo]

Just when I thought things were over and I could finally move on to repair the damage he has caused... out of no where he served me with a restraining order between my daughter and I.  He always said he'd make sure I'd never see her if I left him.  At this time I am forced to put her in God's hands and I struggle with it.  Sometimes I wish he would have just killed me because not being able to hold my baby or see her is a slow agonizing death.  This pain in my soul is searing.  I hope she will find her way to me someday.  I am angry that I have had to let go for now.  She's only 5.  I hope she will forgive me for leaving him but I really wanted to live.  My life now is good, healthy, sane, safe, nurturing, consistent... but even though i have my son and a new baby on the way- I am empty without my little girl.  There are still days I am swamped with memories of her touch, her laughter, her twinkley eyes as she said jokes...  She brought so much joy to my life and he won- he finally won and he fulfilled his promise that he'd take her away from me.  I have nightmares of her being swept away by a powerful current and riptides in a raging river, but before I wake she grabs hold of my neck with a sweet smile and kisses me and we find our way to be together without him.  Has anyone had to wait for years for your child?  Can someone offer me some hope that she and I will repair the damage of him separating us?  How is it that men like him know how to manipulate the legal system with money and win.  I've read the book, "In the mind of angry and controlling men- why does he do that?"... it put to rest the confusion I have felt.  But there is nothing out there that deals with brutal reality that women DO lose their children in custody battles. I miss my little angel.  I cry so much for her and I hope that she is strong enough to believe in the love and kindness we shared together.  I hope that she knows and feels that I'm there eventhough right now I can't be.  Is there anyone who grew up with a dad in a situation in which he forced you and your mom to be separated???  Any words of comfort to this heartbroken mama will help?  Please pray for Sophia and I to be reunited.  Please pray she will know the truth that I loved her and always wanted her and never gave up on her.  Please pray that she will be strong enough to find her way to me when the time is right.  Please pray that he will not be able to harm her spirit, her independence, her zest for life, her love for knowledge...  Please pray that someday I will be able to hold her again. 

[SeanandNoahsmom]

Mar. 14, 2010 at 1:58 AM

First, I am sorry you're going through so much pain and loss. Except under extreme circumstances, the court will give you standard visitation, and you can maintain a relationship and bond with your daughter. What were the circumstances of the restraining order? And has she been with you most of her life? Would like to help if I could...

[pinkdragon36]

Mar. 14, 2010 at 7:21 PM

(((HUGS))))!!!

[Lb128f]

Mar. 14, 2010 at 7:45 PM

I'm sorry...I'll be saying a prayer.

 

[lori232]

Mar. 15, 2010 at 1:03 AM

Hun...when I read your post I couldnt help but flash back to my nasty divorce and the time my daughter was taken away from me by a man who had a lot of money at his disposal to afford outrageous legal fees.  People yes women do lose their children to theses men for no reason except they could not afford a lawyer to plead their case.  Often judges will not even listen to someone who does not have a lawyer.  They think if you cannot afford a lawyer then you cannot afford to raise the child.  I even had massive amounts of documentation that he was abusive to me, that didnt help.  He lost three custody hearings to me without me having a lawyer.  I had her for the first 10 years of her life, with proof that there was no abuse or neglect because every time i turned around he was calling CPS on me.  None of this stopped him from eventually getting custody on the fourth attempt and moving her an entire country and half an ocean away from me.  The judge wanted to give him a try since we could not seem to work things out.  However, eight months after she went to live with him she was back with me and we have not heard from him in 2 years now.  It took eight months of not hearing from her not being able to even see her even though we had shared parenting.  Eight months of nearly going out of my mind, but now everything is good and the judge, custody evaluator, CPS all know who the true abuser of the system, myself and my daughter was.  I wish I could give you more hope.  My ex tried the same thing with a restraining order.  The thing about restraining orders is they are only temporary until you go to court.  Just abide by it until the court date, whatever you do, do not miss it even if you do not have a lawyer.  Also, provide as much documentation that his reasons for the order are invalid.  Invest in a mini voice recorder that uses tapes and have it available when ever you have any dealings with him outside the court room.  Also, always meet with him in a public place with plenty of strangers around and if he refuses document it.  I even went as far as doing child exchanges in front of our police station.  If you have shared parenting be involved with her school at all times...send her cards, letters and stuff to the school...he cannot stop you.  I would send my daughter flowers to the school with a stuffed animal on special occasions.  I did this not to upset him, but so my daughter would know i was thinking of her.  It sucks Iknow and if you ever want to talk to someone who has been through it just send me a message.   

[Allergic2Stupid]

Mar. 15, 2010 at 4:19 AM

Get a good lawyer and don't stop fighting until you get access to your daughter.  If you haven't done anything to deserve this no judge will uphold an order to keep a mother from her child.  

I pray whatever happens is what is best for your little girl.  Children are the innocents in these situations.  I cannot imagine anyone trying to separate me from my children....it would kill me.  Hang in there momma....fight for her....love can conquer all in time....

[dana63]

Mar. 15, 2010 at 8:48 AM

I would keep fighting for her. Can you prove that your EX was abusive and that he threaten to keep Sophia from you? Dont give up and never allow him to win or see your pain. Keep a Journal for Sophia and let her know that your thinking of her and when you shop buy her small gifts and place in a tote that you can give her when you are reunited. She will understand and one day the truth will all come out and his turn will come.

I will Pray for you and Sophia to be reunited and broken hearts mended.

[FDNYwife]

Mar. 15, 2010 at 10:34 AM

I hope you will be reunited!  Can I ask was there any truth to the restraining order?  Did he just lie and they believed him?  I hate to say this, but if thats the case I might lie too.  Nobody will take my baby away from me.  Good luck!  I hope for the best!!

[mommy_of_two388]

Mar. 15, 2010 at 10:56 AM

I hope the best for you but I hate to say thins but no court will issuea retraining order without cause or proof and if they did give him one for no reason then you need to fight to see your daughter. From what it sounded like in your journal he sounds abusive (quote: I wish he would have just killed me) and do you really want your daughter in that situation. I know your glad to be free of him but your giving up your daughter and it sounds like you love her enough to fight for her.

[kansasmom1978]

Mar. 15, 2010 at 11:17 AM

Dont give up!  Got to Legal Aid or something!  A battered woman is not an unfit parent....And you have every right to fight that restraining order.

[JenniferOmaha]

Mar. 15, 2010 at 11:20 AM

I hope it works out for the best. This is so sad to think about. I agree w/ other women, who say to keep a journal & write in it when you miss her the most so she knows how you felt.