I am okay

[sweetpea532]

There has been a burning question in my mind for the last four years.  How old does a person become before they stop needing their mom? Well I have been through a lot these past four years. I have lost a baby. I have dealt with my husband having a affair. I have had twins. My family has been homeless. I had a surprise baby that has special needs. My twins turned out to have special needs. Throughout all of those. I have been asked by several people. " Peggy don't you have family support?" The answer is no. My family well namely my mother. DISOWNED me. The reason I put that in all caps is that people well some people don't understand. I have been told a ton of times. Well does your mom know how much you need her? Or what you are going through? If she knew I am sure.......sorry. She does know. She doesn't care. I was disowned because I took my husband back after a affair. My family thought that since he left me while our family was grieving. That he was selfish and I had no business on forgiving him.

My mother chooses to not be in my kids' lives. The reason I am writing this is that I am done. I am done with hoping she comes back. Family means so much more to me than living my life according to someone eles' standards. I mean I wasn't even told when my Gramma died. Because I was with my dh. I wasn't entitled to say goodbye to my grandmother. Who on Gods' green earth is my mother to alter my life experiences? She can't be in my life or my kids' but she can give my regrets from miles away? 

The saddest thing is that I have siblings. But I guess I am not really that important to them. They don't fight to talk to me or know their nephews or neice. Oh well. Their loss. That is between them and their God.

It isn't my job to beg my mother to love me or to know me. I have a hard core feeling that this canyon of resentment between us will be a life regret for her. Again. I cannot shoulder her choices. Or mop up after her anymore.

So the question is how do I explain where my mother is to my kids? Well I may get a lot of slack for this. But I told my son that my mother died. How do I explain that his Gramma wants nothing to do with him or me because she can't stand his father? If you have a good way to do that. I will be open to anything.

I have tried to get along with some long distance relatives. I took my son and daughter on a trip to visit a cousin and her kids. My son was in my cousins' car and there was talk of Grammas. My son stated that his Gramma died. Well that didn't sit well with cousin. I asked her point blank. How would she explain it then? She had no answers. Just judgments.

As I am coming up on another holiday with no family to speak of. I refuse to be sad that I don't live up to their expectations.

Instead I will make it my number one goal to live up to my childrens' expectations. Also to learn from the mistakes of my mother and always love my kids no matter what. I will be there for them. Nothing will be able to change that.

From this day on. I have no mother. I am okay with that. I will not be sad anymore or have regrets. I will live the rest of my life in happiness.