I feel so empty. This year has been such a struggle and I'm trying to stay positive but its so rough. Cancer scares, dealing with an independent two year old, miscarrying yesterday. And now a good friend dying. I went from this ultimate high a week and a half ago hearing that I was expecting. My husbands first bio child. Our first child together. It felt so right. So fulfilling. We were so excited we just went ahead and told everyone. We wanted to share our joy. Then sunday night, a tiny bit of blood. Nothing big. Monday morning, nothing at nine am. A bit of spotting around eleven. Called the doctor said it was probably ok and its very common in the first trimester to spot. Suddenly at one pm there was quite a bit more. Enough that I put a liner on. My heart just sunk. I called the doctor back and they got me in right away. I was at the office within forty minutes. Walking in, I felt a small gush. I felt like panicking but didn't. They asked for a urine sample. And that's when all hell broke loose. There was so much blood, clots of it. I knew then for sure what I'd known all along. My body failed me. The doctor tried to reassure me and told me there were many other reasons. I had no hope left. I was starting to cramp painfully. There was blood everywhere. And sure enough, the ultrasound confirmed there was little left of that precious life I had been so excited for. My MIL was there with me, but I really wanted my husband and my own mommy. And both were working. I'm so grateful for everyones love and support these last few days. I just found out a friend of mine I used to live with, used to be my closest friend and confidante, passed away Friday. We'd grown apart a bit, but I still considered her a close friend. I'm so sad. She had so much to live for. Its so hard to understand why she chose death. RIP jess. I hope her fiance and family find peace. I just don't want anymore bad news. I'm so overwhelmed as it is.
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