What do I do, where do I turn when all I want to do is curl up and die?

[BJoan]

I’m sorry it is so long, but I desperately need help.

I can’t help but feel like “this is it?” Shouldn’t I be happy? Aren’t things supposed to get better?

I’ve been having a really, really tough month or so. I feel so disgusted with myself. I have this great husband and a beautiful little girl, no one has died, and we haven’t lost our home or jobs or vehicles, and here I am, thinking that the best thing I could do is just die. That is SO selfish of me.

*Side note: I will not kill myself – I just feel deep down, in the core of my soul that everyone around me would be better off if I wasn't alive.*

I have problems and insecurities coming out of every inch of me. My mom left when I was little, I was emotionally abused by my stepmom for about 15 years, the first guy I ever loved used me, broke my heart and left me to mend the pieces. I know none of this is anything even close to what a lot of women have gone through, but it has changed me. Deep down, I am such an angry person. I am just angry at life, something minuscule that most people would laugh off can just set me off, and it isn’t fair. I have done a really good job of hiding this from my family and friends, and I wouldn’t doubt that not one of them has ever notice I am depressed. I fake it; I put on a happy face and go with the flow like this little evil thing inside of me isn’t eating away at my soul.

From about ages 13 to 18 I would cut myself. They were always minor, and if they were noticeable, I could always make an excuse: The cat got me good, I ran into something, got caught on the car door, and so on. I am pretty sure I was only ever questioned once, so I figured no one knew or no one cared, why should I stop? I lived with my dad, step mom, three brothers and one sister, it isn’t like my parents had time to “deal” with me, so maybe they just brushed it away, ignored it.

After I graduated high school everything was different. I felt happy for the only time my entire life. I was still living with my parents and two of my brothers, but I was taking classes at the community college in my town, I was working two full time jobs,  I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased, I felt good about myself, and one day, I just stopped cutting myself.

About six months later I started dating this guy. He was so fun, and easy to get along with. We always had a good time together. But I had trust issues. The only other guy I had ever dated (for 4 years) ruined me. Slowly, but surely I started to regain my trust in men, and eventually I knew this was the man I wanted to marry. After dating for a mere SIX MONTHS I got the biggest surprise of my life: We were pregnant. I had been on birth control, and he always wore a condom and I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do.

We were both young and distraught about it, but we made the decision to keep our baby (like there was any other option!?-of course there was, but not for us). Anyhow, we got married, and had our little girl.

For the second time in my life, I was truly happy. I loved being a mom! Due to our financials I didn’t have the option and had to go back to work after just 2 months, but it wasn’t bad. We worked it out where she only had to go to day care twice a week for ½ a day, but it worked for us.

The first year was so easy, and it flew by. She was a happy baby, and we never had problems with her. She started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, she wasn’t fussy, even when she was getting her teeth. We just went along our merry little way until she hit one. I swear it was like a light flipped from off to on. Literally, as of her first birthday, she went from this sweet, happy, amazing baby, to this screaming, angry, crying toddler. I am such a horrible mom, I even told her the other day that she is evil (and I meant it). She whines and cries if she doesn’t get her way, throws tantrums like no child I have ever seen before. She hits, spits, kicks, throws stuff.. you name it, she does it. We are 100% consistent with her, we have her on a strict diet, and her doctor says it is just the terrible twos (early of course). Things get better and then we have a really horrible day, then things get better and we have a really horrible day.

The stress of her behavior, alongside being treated like crap at work and having constant weight gain, I have been arguing more and more with my husband. He didn’t do anything wrong, but by-golly I had a bad day, so in order to feel something, I start an argument (over nothing).

All of this has sent me spiraling into this deep, dark cave of depression. I sincerely feel like my husband and daughter hate me. Last night, they were in my daughters room, laughing and playing, which is in itself a rare moment in our home, and I just sat in the living room and cried, because she doesn’t want to laugh and play with me, he doesn’t want to laugh and play with me, and for God’s sake, if I can’t be happy, why are they?

It comes down to this: I don’t know where to turn to, who to talk to, where to go or what to do. I feel like I used to feel when I cut myself, like there is nothing I can do to feel better, but at least when I cut myself I at least have some type of feeling (good or bad, it doesn’t matter). I feel like all of the problems that happen in my life are BECAUSE of me.. I cause them, I create them, I am the reason they exist in the first place. If God would just take me from this earth, my husband and daughter could go on, and be happy.

Without me.

[BJoan]

Mar. 18, 2010 at 5:58 PM

Being abandoned by your mother and abused by your stepmother...those are two very serious things that could certainly cause you to have a hard time in the role of "mother". Like you said, this is all very complicated and there are no short and easy answers but I think counseling would be a good idea so you can sort through these feelings.

[Kellyjude1]

Mar. 18, 2010 at 7:00 PM

 I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Keeping your feelings inside is not a good thing.  Reaching out for help is a good thing.  Maybe you should try counseling.  Dealing with the issues you had growing up and the pain is something you need to get out and not keep bottled up inside.  None of this was your fault, you were only a child.   You deserve to be happy and deserve to smile, and not allow your past to keep bringing you down.  God blessed you with your little one and she needs you.  Please take the steps to get yourself help and talk to a counselor or a doctor someone who can help you deal with your feelings.  I hope things get better.  Please keep us all posted.

[AllAboutYou1223]

Mar. 19, 2010 at 1:01 AM

Mama... I think it'd really help you to go talk to a therapist and possibly get on some anti depressants.. Please consider it... :::hugs:::

[marvette1]

Mar. 28, 2010 at 9:20 PM

I want to die! I have always feared being alone. My Dad died six weeks ago, my daughter is living 5 hours away and my husband is emotionally not there.  There seems to be nothing left.  The only thing that keeps me here is I can't bear to bring my mom the pain of losing a child.  I had great parents.  Its just that no one cares anymore.  I give to everyone, do for everyone but when I need someone, there is no one there.  I am terminally alive and wish it would end.