-
9 months of heaven. My story.
- Mar 18, 2010 at 5:38 PM
- By
- Comments (45) Total Views (1546) Everyone can see this journal post.
Thats what I was given. My son was everything in my life. He was the reason I got up in the morning ,the reason I lived. He was the beat in my heart. I love him more than anything.
Kaden was born on the 26th of Feburary 2009. My life was forever changed that day. My husband was deployed with the Navy, He heard about the birth of our first child via a redcross message and got to see him for the first time about an hour after he was born. Ive never known a man so excited and so ready to be a father like Andrew was. He wanted to be home so bad. I endured the next 4 and half months raising Kaden untill Andrew finally returned home July 2nd. It was one of the most rewarding times in my life. Getting those months to bond with my son as close as we where. I have never been more proud of anything in my life. Kaden was beautiful and perfect. He never cried. He smiled and laughed all the time and it was sooo contagious. When Andrew returned home he and kaden bonded very quickly. I think we owed that to the build a bear monkey andrew made for kaden before he left with his voice in it. Kaden knew andrews voice immediatley. Watching my husband and my son curl up together after meeting a few hours earlier and fall asleep together was one of the most adorable things I ever witnessed. They loved each other and that was very apparent. After the readjustment of Andrew being home and having to work him into our routine things started to settle down, we had become a normal family. Andrew helped with Kaden, he gave him his bath everynight, read him a story and put him to bed. That was their fun time and they both enjoyed it so much! Kaden grew faster than either of us could have imagined. He went from being my newborn to eating normal food, sitting up in the bath, crawling, blabbing and eventually crawling then suddenly walking in NO time. I feel so blessed to got to have watch him grow for the time I did. He was a funny little guy, always making silly noises and laughing at silly little things. He had learned to shake his head no and he just though it was hilarious. I've never experienced so much joy in one little child.
December 12 2009 was a kind of rainy day. It was cloudy and rained on and off all day. The weather definatley began to fit the mood of the day.I had just gotten my hair done when I got the call of Kadens accident. I thought that I was in a bad dream. That instant my whole world crumbled right before me. I wanted to hold him and tell him it would be okay. As I was being driven to the hospital everyone kept telling me he'd be okay but I think in my heart I knew it wasn't true. When we finally arrived I was sick, Throwing up and cying uncontrollably. Mine and andrew whole family met us there. There where 20 people in the waiting room of the PICU that night. I don't remember how many hours we where there. I just remember the DR. came and told us that he would need surgery, that the left side of his little brain may be impared and I told her I didn't care, that I just wanted my baby. A few hours went by I think and they finally rolled him out to go to surgery, but before that the DR came back and told us his eyes started dialating and it wasn't looking good. I broke down, crying and screaming in the hall that Ijust wanted my baby. It replays in my head like it happened just yesterday.They wheeled him by us on a little streatcher and he was just laying there lifeless. I screamed at him and told him I loved him and I was there and to please wake up becuase I needed him. I layed in Andrews arms as we both lost it. After we composed our selves we decided mabey we should go get some fresh air because hed be in surgery a while. We got in the elevator got down to the bottom floor and got a call saying "get back up here". The min. the elevator opened and the nurse stood there crying I knew. She walked us into an operating room where there layed our 9 month old baby. with a nurse giving him CPR and that dreaded flat line noise in the backround. This time Andrew lost it he began to cry, and scream and i just stood there like I was frozen, I couldn't talk, I couldn't cry, I just stood there. Why did we leave him? What made us think that was a good idea? Did he think we where abandoning him? I felt horrible. I touched him and he was cold and lifeless.
The hours following that moment where a blur of emotions. Me and Andrew sat in a PICU room for 4 hours and held my son while family and friends came and said goodbye. I think we finally had to say goodbye and go home at 2 am. When we returned we where greeted by the local police who then began their investigation. They had someone come and draw our blood. I think the hardest part was when the investigator asked me if I thought my husband killed my son.WOW. How could anyone think that. My husband loved my son more than ANYTHING and would give his life in an instant for his child. The police finally left our house close to 6am. And thats when my life started over. what did I do now?we had to plan a funeral for our 9 month old. This isn't fair. The funeral was filled with people who loved us and Kaden. It was evident how much we where loved the church was so packed that there where people standing outside. Saying goodbye to my son before they closed his casket was by far the hardest part. That was the last time Id see his face and feel his skin.I hated that day.
The 3 months since my son has been gone have been the hardest 3 months of my life. Like I said before I feel like this all just happened yesterday.In fact his whole life is that way, I can remember every smile, every laugh we had. My memories are so vivid. I don't understand how or life could possibly work like this. How could my life be destroyed in a matter of hours? and if there is a GOD what kind of GOD would do this to us? To give me 9 months of joy and love and then to take it away, what kind of cruel GOD is that?! I ask myself that on a daily basis, what kind of GOD would do this to us? We where given 9 months of pure heaven, why take that from me? I'll never get to see my son grow up, Never get to go to a baseball game, watch him graduate highschool, go off to college or watch him get married. It's not fair.I've felt so many things since he's been gone. A part of my heart is gone and it will remain that way forever. I know that my son is an Angel that he is up there looking down at me and his daddy smiling that beautiful smile and giggling that adorable little giggle and looking out for us. He sent us another Angel that will be here in October and while we are happy I am scared. There isn't a night I dont tell him goodnight and that I love him and miss him VERY VERY MUCH!!!I know that he was here for a reason and I can only hope that one day Ill understand why he was only here for such a short time.All I know for now is that for 9 months I was given a glimpse of heaven.
I love you more than anything Kaden Andrew and I always always will. You will always be my little bubba!!
an hour after he was born. He was PERFECT!!
2MNTHS
The first time we where together as a family.
Kaden and daddies first nap together 2 hours after meeting. One of my fave.pics EVER.
His contagious smile!
Our family picture.
one of his xmas pics take the week before he passed
my loves
our tattoos!
Comments:
I can't add anything that will ease your pain. I am so sorry this happened to you and I hope you can find peace one day. Gone but Never Forgotten.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh my goodness! How terrible for you. He will always be in your heart, and he will always be watching out or his little brother or sister that you are carrying into this world right now. If you ever need to talk I will always listen. Hugs for you, and Baby.
I am so sorry i am crying no stop right now. I cant even fathem what u went through that day. I have 2 lil ones and i dont know what i would do if i lost one of them. All i can say to u is that i am so so so sorry.
Love you Sarah *hugs*
Your son was beautiful. Thank you for posting his pics. Hope you're getting the love and support you need. As a mother, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this....a tragic loss.
I'm sorry. He was an adorable child. Your family will be in our prayers.
We are sending blessings to you during this pregnancy. Congratulations to you and your Husband.
Your's is such a sad, sorrowful story. God loves you, and your baby. Your baby boy is with Him now! He doesn't ever say that bad things won't happen. Only that He will be here for you , when they do...
Congradulations on the new little blessing!
Already a member? Click here to log in
Meet Dodie702
This Nevada mom of two - who are just 18 months apart! - is married to her high school sweetheart and loves to craft in her free time.
I am SO sorry for your loss...I can't even imagine losing a child.
- saramallam
Message Friend Invite