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What one arm, two small boys and a 98 day patrol can do
- Mar 19, 2010 at 1:32 PM
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- Comments (12) Total Views (475) Everyone can see this journal post.
Believe me when I say I don't have a swelled head sharing this. I am just so very proud. Well, I'm a Mom. :)
Everywhere we go, people tell me how sweet my boys are. Their behavior, mannerisms and helpfulness surprise people and they feel the need to tell me. Of course it makes me feel good and that so far in their lives we are doing something right.
They are 15 and 13 now. I believe part of their behaviors and personalities are a result of how they were raised as small children. Not completely on purpose, but for the sake of my sanity, body and how I treated them when they were little, I do believe it has largely shaped them as who they are now.
I have a chronic pain disease and my husband is in the Navy. The boys were 2 and 4 when hubby went back to sea duty. Family Service and Ombudsmen always talk about how they will help you...blah, blah, blah. They never helped me. In July of 1999, Todd left for sea just six days after I was released from surgery. I had a bad reaction from the anesthesia and was hospitalized for three days instead of going home after 'same day' arthroscopic shoulder surgery after I dislocated it.
I didn't know what to do. I had one arm, 2 small boys (one of which was still in diapers and potty training), a home to keep, bills to pay... Any single mom, military mom or a mom where dad doesn't help can understand this dilemma.
The patrol started out terribly. I still had side-effects from the anesthesia, my shoulder hurt, the rest of my body hurt from the fibro, I wasn't sleeping, I was yelling all the time, crying all the time and just pretty much a mess.
I was being an awful mom, yelling all the time. I never spanked or anything like that. Maybe a flicked lip here and there to get their attention when they were behaving badly and not responding to vocal discipline. I completely broke down one day after yelling at one of them for something. It was totally uncalled for and I crossed the line. I knew I had to figure something out. Something that would be better for all of us, so I could be a good mom with one arm and take care of everything. And last until my husband came back home from sea.
I decided to have a talk with the boys and tell them in the simplest way possible how 'mommy hurt'. I told them that my body hurt me and it made me unhappy and angry. I explained to them how when sometimes they are being too loud, I don't always know how I'm acting. I had turned off the TV and music so they could only look at me and hear me with no distractions.
Andrew, the oldest, asked "How come you hurt, mommy?"
I said "My body is sick and it makes me feel bad. My head feels sick too."
Alex was only two. I knew he didn't really understand. I had to find something to say that would be simple enough for them to remember and act upon when necessary. This is what I said:
"When my body hurts me, sometimes it makes me mad. When you two are being too loud and doing things you aren't suppose to do, it makes me more mad. I don't want to get mad and yell at you really mean anymore. I don't want to be extra mad. I need your help. Do you think you can help me? (both nod while Alex is picking at his toes) When I start yelling at you really loud and it scares you, I want you to tell me. I will NOT get mad at you for telling me I am scaring you. When you tell me this, it will help me know so I can think about what you are doing that is making me mad. If you guys are just playing loudly and I'm just grumpy because I feel icky, I'll know I'm yelling too much and I can stop and say I'm sorry. But other times when I'm yelling because you keep pulling the cats around by the tail or doing things you know you aren't suppose to, then me yelling at you is right because you know better. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Andrew, with his look of contemplation (Which he still has today. He rubs his chin like he's thinking.) asks "So if you get really really mad and it scares us, you want us to tell you?"
"Yes"
"And we won't get in trouble for telling you you are being mean?"
"Right."
"So if we are being really bad and you yell, it's OK?"
"Yes. Because what you are doing is wrong and you know it."
"But if you scare us yelling and we aren't doing anything bad, you will stop?"
"Yes."
"Can we help make you not hurt?"
Now, I'm crying "Yes you can. You can help by being good boys and help me with things. Keep the TV down. Don't make so much yelling noise when you are wrestling. And maybe you can help me with stuff around the house 'cause my arm is in a sling and I can't use it."
His eyes got big "You mean like if we bring our snack bowls to the kitchen when we are done and clean our room?" He was so proud he thought of that.
I smiled really big and said "Yes. That's exactly how you can help."
"Why are you crying now. Do you have a hurt?"
"Not right now. I just love you so much because you are so smart and I know you will help your brother. You can help Alex with stuff right?"
"Yup."
"You are a big, brave, strong and smart boy and what I'm asking you to help me with makes you an even bigger stronger boy."
He got up off the couch and said "If we help, can we have extra snacks"
"Sometimes, yes, you can have extra snacks when you help me."
Alex looked up from his toe re-arrangement and hugged me, following his brother's actions, they turned the TV back on and continued to make a train track for their Thomas trains.
I went into the other room, took a deep breath and cried like a baby. I didn't know if what I did was right. I didn't know if I was putting too much pressure on him. I was just desperately trying to find a way to be a good mom.
Andrew, now, I believe is a sensitive. I can be doing something normal like reading a book. He'll sit down next to me and pat me on my head and ask me how I'm feeling? Can he get me anything? It is comical because at 15 he is already 6'2". I'm 5'4" if I stand on my right leg.
Alex is still a bit aloof. Having just become a teenager, his mind is elsewhere. He does ask me if I want anything if he's in the snack cupboard or making himself a sandwich. If he's going to a friend's house, he asks me if I need him to do anything before he goes.
I tell them thank you for everything that they do for me. I tell them when people compliment me on their behavior. They are the ones being good and polite, so I think they should know when someone says something good about them.
When one of the neighbors calls down for help, Andrew stops what he's doing to go help with whatever it was they needed.
Like I said in the beginning, I don't have a swelled head, just filled with pride. The odd thing is, that in a sense, I think they turned out the way they did because of a conversation had 11 years ago. We continue to praise good behavior and keep the ball rolling in the right direction. My wish is for them to become the best at whatever it is they want to do. I want them to know that they are good people with heart and compassion. I want them to be good husbands and have my future daughters-in-law know that they too, will be taken care of just like they still take care of me.
Comments:
Why do you always make me tear up???? I don't know how you do that!
Awww they sound wonderful. You are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you.
How could I write anything better than Briar did?
They are always surprising me. Especiallythe whole "Talk" journal thing.
Oddly enough, I think it is my pain that has made them good kids. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that one.
Thanks for the nice comments. (hugs)
That is amazing. Come work on my children now. It really is great that your boys are so wonderful. I think that is what all mom's want for their kids.
Jo, I really wish we were neighbors. That would be so awesome.
I think you're a wonderful parent, and your boys are so lucky to have you in their lives. And you are so lucky to have them. I love your journals- they are real, honest, and always from your heart.
I loved reading this, Jo. It's no surprise to me either that your boys are so kind, thoughtful and sweet. You're doing a wonderful job raising those boys...I hope I get to meet all of you someday!
Yup. What Lori said. Yup.
I just recently started following your posts. You should write a book or advice column or something like that because if your stories happen the way you tell them you are on hell of a good mother. It is SO easy to mess a kid up forever while raising them.... Hey maybe CafeMom would give you an "Ask Jo" online column....oh wait I guess that is what making a group is doing sort of lol.
Anyways just wanted to mention that. I am enjoying your entries quite a bit and think I need to take notes for later in life lol....my twins are only 19 months :)
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I am never surprised to hear of a good deed performed by Andrew or Alex. Those boys are just amazing. And polite, too.
However, I think you overlook how very important is is to them that they help you. It's one of the few things they get to do for you (I know, I know, you can say they do a lot for you till you're blue in the face. They do, but there's more to it than that).
Many children don't appreciate the amount of work that goes into being a parent. Yours always have. And that IS special.
- briarraindancer
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