I can't control everything

[sleepymamaof3]

ah, how i wish i could control everything, but i barely control anything. i can't change anything in the house bc dh says so. it's one reason or another and since i need him pay for it (i pay bills, he pays house expenses) i can't do anything. now the reason is that we won't do any unneeded changes until we get the modification on our home loan all set. ah, and on top of that i hate this house. its a 2 family house and the apartment is too small, so it always looks messy. and i try to straighten up but there is no room for anything so things end up where ever i can fit them and it's horrible. he has so many rims for whatever reason that are in our back hallways or kitchen. i have 3 little boys (4, 2 and 8 months) and am going crazy. we only have cable in our bedroom and a dvd in the parlor. my boys don't eat in the kitchen, they eat best when they are relaxed in front of the tv and honestly, i just need some quietness for once and that is the only way i can get it so i can feed the baby or cook dinner, so they sit on my bed and one of them always makes a mess. i am going through a depression and anger issues, and as i write this, just so i don't scream at the 2 year old, i am ignoring the fact that he just dumped his cup of dried cereal of the couch. he did that because i won't let him sit at the kitchen table to do a puzzle with his brother (the table  is taller, so i have to stand next to him the whole time bc he can't get down safely, or sit there safely on his own. i clean and clean and clean and you can never tell i did, it's such a waste of time. on top of that i have been messing up so much lately, been so down with no energy to do anything, how i make it through the day i don't know (i am on anti depressants and see a new dr tomorrow, thank god). i can't even put into words how i feel. my bil lives in the other apartment with his gf who i hate, her daughter who i hate and their son. 

ah, maybe i'll vent later, sons need me. adios!