Why do I bother? (Some cussing and long)

[macmomsangel]

All three of my kids treat me as if I am crap on the bottom of their shoes that won't go away. They have made me feel that I am useless and no good. They have got me to the point that I wonder why I even bother trying to go on and that I don't belong here on earth. They now have me believing that I don't deserve anything or anyone.

I have diabetes, bi-polar manic depressive, severe depression with anxiety and OCD. For 2 years, until they found the right combination that would work for me, life was tough on everyone in the household. I have been on this regimen for 4 years and I guess I have built up a tolerance because for about the past month I have been the depression coming on.

Yesterday my 18yo son brought me to an all time low. Instead of just coming to me and saying that he wanted to try living on his own and wanted to move out. He totally disrespected and downgraded me. He told me that I was a useless piece of shit, a good for nothing whore, and a bitch that deserves absolutely nothing. Gathered his stuff and started to leave. I informed that the car he has been driving since he was 16 is in mine and his fathers name, his father gave him the car to use when I got my new car, and that he was not taking it. So he called a friend to come and get him. While he was waiting instead of either keeping quiet or waiting outside he spent the hour belittling me. Since yesterday all I have done is cry, wonder where I went wrong and what I did to make everyone hate me.

I started all of my kids young teaching them right from wrong, that you have to work for what you want, that life is not always fair and the proper way to do things. All three of my kids moved out the same way. Starting an argument with me and degrading me. I just don't understand.

I left their real father when the youngest was a baby because he beat on me then started abusing my middle child. My dh that I am with has raised all 3 of my kids as his own because their real father disappeared to another state so that he wouldn't have to pay child support. There were times when finances were tough and things were difficult but we made sure that the kids had what they needed and were taken care of. Yes there was 2 years that because of medical issues life was really hard, but we overcame them. I gave up my career as a nusing assistant because one of my kids was having alot of problems in general so I became a SAHM to take care of them. I gave up so many things that I needed to make sure they had what they wanted. My dh would need work boots but he would just glue or tape them back together so that they could have nike and reebok shoes for school. (My middle child couldn't wear cheap shoes because they would give him sores on his feet that made it difficult for him to walk. Because he needed name brand we felt it wasn't fair to make the 2 others wear cheap shoes.)

While he was waiting on his ride he blamed me for everything that was going wrong with him. He is failing 4 of his college classes this term and failed 2 the previous term. That is my fault. Well I go to college myself. It is my responsibility to make sure that all of my work is done and study for tests. Why is it my fault that he is failing? What am I supposed to do? Go to class for him and do his homework? I was told that it was my fault that he got fired from his job at McDonalds the day before yesterday. As far as I remember when you have a job it is that persons responsibility to get to work on time and to call if your not going to be there when scheduled. From November to the beginning of January, every weekend they would call and want to know where he was and if he was coming because he wasn't at work when he was supposed to be. It would even happen during the week. He had I don't know how many no calls/no shows. If he wasn't at home he would call me and tell me to call in for him with some made up excuse. Well I wouldn't call and lie for him. If he could call me then that means he could call his job and tell them himself. They finally got tired of it and fired him. It is my fault that he didn't get a job at another place because he applied at another place and they told him that he could start after they checked out his references. Well the manager at McDonalds told them that he is consistently late and has no calls/no shows and as far as they were concerned he is totally unreliable. He put me as a reference because we have different last names. All I would tell them that is that they should go by what McDonalds says. Again I am still not understanding.

This has me thinking that I was a horrible mother and person. I guess I am supposed to take the blame for everything that goes wrong in their lives. Everytime one of my kids did this they made sure that their father was not around because he wouldn't have tolerated them talking to me that way. They even have me feeling like I don't deserve my dh and his love.

Right now I am feeling so low that I am not seeing any reason for going on. I am tired of crying, sitting around wondering about where I went wrong and what I did wrong. The things keeping me from doing anything to hurt myself is that I don't like pain and with my luck all I would do is disable myself.

And now my brother won't speak to me and I haven't seen my nephew since Christmas. It's not his doing, it is his wife. (She doesn't like anyone on his side of the family.) She has blocked my number from calling their home and she keeps check on his cell phone voice mail and if I leave a message she deletes it and he has never checked about missed calls on his phone. He is one of the people that makes me feel better and now I don't have him. Also just being around my 23 month old nephew cheers me up. I have been close to my nephew since he was born, I would see him at least twice a week. If only I could have a hug from him right about now and hear his little I love you, aunt.

Then to make matters even worse my parents are talking horrible about me behind my back. I thought I had a pretty good relationship with them but I guess not. My 19yo son lives with my parents because he is afraid to ask to move back in here because of the way he moved out the first time. Just like his brother. Starting an argument degrading and disrespecting me and then move out. He has overheard them say that they didn't want a daughter but because they had me they had to deal with it. He has overheard them tell people that I am a whore, a useless bitch and trailer trash. Yes I live in a trailer. I own it along with the 4 acres in the country that it is sitting on. It is a trailer that I have made my home in for 15 years. I am not emabarrassed by it. My father thinks that we should sell it and by one of the estate homes that are being built. I have 4 years and 9 months of $356 monthly payments and everything will be paid off. Why would I would want a 30 year mortgage of $1500 or more a month?

After all the years of being with my dh and all the stuff that he has done for them they are downgrading him and hate him. He moved them 5 times and never took money for it. He has put fence up for them with no help in three of their yards. He hung drywall on their ceilings for them when they were remodling and when they offered him money he refused to take it. He raised all 3 of their grandchildren without any help from their real father. But now he is a good for nothing, useless, piece of shit trailer trash. Whenever they needed something done though he is the first one they call.

This is all making me feel so alone and with no where or anyone to turn to. I know my dh loves me dearly and is there for me but he works 70 hours a week and I don't want to burden him with anything else. I just wish I knew what I did to my children to make them hate and hurt me so much. The one thing I do know is that it is not because I kept them from their real father. I would ask them a couple of times a year since they were young that if they wanted to see him all I would have to do is call my exes parents and they would let him know that his kids wanted to see him but they always said no.

My daughter found him when she was twenty and went to visit him. She ended up moving in with him. He told her that he didn't understand why I left him. Within a few months of her living with him he finally let the real him show through and it proved to her why I left him. He had also told her that it was my fault that he molested her on one of his court ordered visits. It was my fault because he didn't understand why I had left him and he wasn't in his right mind. A few weeks before we had found out about the molestation he disappeared. But with my daughter finding out the truth she no longer blames me for that.

I guess when I go to my next therapy session the doctor will try to help me through this. But that appointment is not for another 2 weeks. I think that I am going to call them Monday to see if I can get in any sooner. I can't spend the next 2 weeks crying and doing nothing but thinking about what I did wrong.

 

[faithnlove99]

Mar. 27, 2010 at 1:36 PM

omg!!!!!!! no F**king way!!!!!! I would have slapped him and told him to get the F**k out of my house... No child at any age should EVER talk to his parents like that.SPECIALLY his mother!!!! im ss ur going through that

[mouse1085]

Mar. 27, 2010 at 1:40 PM

you have to stop blaming yourself for your children's behavior. You know this. You let your son take the heat for his behavior at work (which is the right thing to do). Now stop asking yourself these berating questions.  Your children are all adults. If they choose to disrespect their mother, it has very little to do with you.  Maybe you need to separate from them for a little while. Maybe no contact for a week or so to let everyone cool down.  Anyway, try to get that appointment moved up and keep your chin up!!

[mom-of-12]

Mar. 27, 2010 at 7:37 PM

Hi, I feel bad for you and know just how you feel.  My husband died three weeks ago.  One of my daughters has been acting out for about a year, when her dad died, she kicked it up even more.  I decided to ask her to move out (she had just turned 18) she called me every name in the book.  I was so hurt, and I cried most of the day.  Then I decided it was for the best.  She wanted to act like an adult, now she can.

What bothered me the most is the day after we buried her dad, she climbed out her window and partied all night.  To not even give me a chance to adjust without my husband...it is sad.