April 13,2010..

[mmmegan38]

 As April 13 aproaches-- the day-dreadful day I found the police surrounding my brothers townhouse with the door bashed in. He was dead. It is yet another anniversary of his death. The day 'suicide' became a part of my vocabulary. It is also a time I look forward to the end of tax season. I get to see my husband again. I feel some conflict surrounding this time of year. My brothers anniversary--my husband back from working so hard.
  I think about this day with a sad look on my face. A distance in my eyes. I am less heavy in the heart yet my eyes feel sleepy. I still feel confused when I think about suicide. I still am very dumb founded. I have a new life, a different life. I am a different person. My brother left and I changed drastically. I feel compassion now that I never knew before. I am a whole person now--again. With a different outlook.
  I can understand people who say "I lost a father, brother, sister, a mother--" I understand now. I can hear them and commiserate with their loss, their pain. I can only lend a compassionate ear. I can put a hand on their shoulder or give a hug with real meaning now.
  Kevin is gone, he left and took his life with him. He left me behind with five brothers and two sisters to cope, to fend and to learn.

             


remembering my big brother Kevin 8/46- 4/07

[crazyladyw8]

Mar. 28, 2010 at 8:02 PM

It always hurts so much when we are left behind with so many unanswered questions. All I can say is time heals. It doesnt really heal all it just makes it easier to live with. Dad knew he was dying and refused medical treatment that would have prolonged his life. He also chose not to tell us ... I'll never forget that shocking day either. I grew up more  that day then I did in the first 42 years of my life. Maybe that is why I understand you so well.

[SuzzzieQ]

Mar. 28, 2010 at 8:50 PM

Megan, you are loved.  I love you.  I love who you are.  Life and the shit it throws at us shape and mold us more than we can ever imagine.  It makes us who we are.  I love who you are.   Suz

[KittyGram]

Mar. 29, 2010 at 12:36 AM

Megan, I'm so sorry that you've had to experience this.  There ARE many unanswered questions.  Things we will never know the answer to.  My 30 year old nephew took his life in 2003, right after taking the life of his estranged wife.  The turmoil they go thru in their own lives leaves them believing everyone else would be better off without them, rather than understanding the pain that those around them will suffer. 

Hang in there, girl.  Just like SuzzzieQ said, you are loved.