Excuse me, but have you seen me??

[v_clar]

I don't really know who I am anymore. I don't know where I went, or at least the who I was for so long. Life has become something new and strange, to the point that I feel like two separate people. One type for part of the day and another for the other part. It's strange and wonderful all at once.

For a long time, my hopes and dreams centered around my hubs and the kids. Everything I wanted was for them. The dreams from my youth had given way to wanting all of that and more for them NOT me. I wasn't even in the equation. I'm not even sure I'm totally in the equation now.

When hubs got sick and became disabled, I started to look for a job. I didn't care what it was, I just needed to work in order to help my family. The sad thing was, I had been a SAHM for so long I couldn't find a job. I applied everywhere, from McDonald's to Hewlett Packard to everything in between. Nothing. I still don't know if it was cause I had been out of the work force for so long or if it was because I'm not 23 with perky boobs.

Then last year about this time God smacked me upside the head and put something on my heart. I needed to go to college and get a degree in Chemical Dependency/Human Services counseling so I can work with teenagers. So that's what I did and an doing. I will succeed with this because it's what I am supposed to do for His glory.

So, for part of the day, I am in school, taking exams, doing homework, having lively debates with kids who have yet to really live and yet have very strong opinions. I carry a backpack and have a pencil case. I eat in a cafeteria and complain about professors and the work load...just like the thousands of other "kids" at school.

And then I get home and once again I become mom and wife. I'm still a sort of student because I have homework to do, but it seems to come in second - because I make it second to my family they want me to do well and are proud of me.

It's a difficult life, trying to balance my college life and my home life. I feel like two separate people, with two separate lives.

It's so weird to have a dream that centers on me again. I am so excited to be in school and to be learning new things and even re-learning things from long ago. I have a year to go before I will graduate with two Associate Degrees, Human Services and Chemical Dependency, and ready to enter the work force again doing something I am passionate about.

Wow, I wonder where the old me went and how the two parts of me will come together. It's a roller coaster of a journey but I am enjoying every single minute of it and I can't wait to see what the next chapter will be.

[Ewadun]

Apr. 3, 2010 at 7:03 AM

Congrats on juggling schoolwork and home life. What you are is God's gift to you. What you become is your gift to God.