A Little Intervention

[harristamia]

I think I just had a mini intervention with my uncle. Its was an eye opener and most of it I didn't want to hear as a mother. The conversation started because I don't keep in touch with the family. You try so hard to hide what you are really feeling- I just couldn't hide anymore. He told me how beautiful I was. I tried hard to convince him that I believed I was beautiful but he didn't buy it, he thinks that I should take some time to myself to get it together. But I can't leave my children, he don't understand. Chris will do everything in his power to make sure the children understood that I was a selfish person by leaving them. My children already believe that it was my fault that our marriage didn't work so why or how would they understand that mommy needs to get away on her own. I never saw myself as a pretty woman, I always daunted on my personsality. To be honest if someone was to ask me to describe myself, I would tell them that I'm 5'5, brown skin, brown eyes, and I'm healthy for my age. That is whats sad theres not one physical thing I can think of that would make someone turn their head for me. I mean I don't believe that plastic surgery is my answer, I'm not sure what the answer is to help me believe that I'm beautiful. I don't wear makeup because I don't know how to apply it. I never had the time nor money to spend on makeup. But is makeup the answer? I've been called sexy but never beautiful. I never really heard another man call me beautiful. To me beautiful and sexy have too many differences. Sexy means something sexual in the bed but beautiful means you are someone he can take out anytime without you having to reveal something to look beautiful. I wonder was I beautiful to Chris and Richard? Or was I just sexy? No of two ever called me beautiful, so I guess my answer is no. I never asked either of them because one is not talking to me and the other wants to argue with me all the time. Man this would be easier if I were to just bury it. I believe that I've come so far only to feel like I never moved. I have alot of soul searching to do. What is the purpose of all this? Why me? Why do I have to suffer? I just want to be happy with/out someone. I want to believe bad that I am a beautiful person inside and out. But I can't. This process is going to take longer than I thought. WOW!!!! The real question push come to shove that I do need to get away, what about my children? How would they feel? Would they be upset? Would doing this harm them? I don't want to totally leave them, I would love to come and see them everyday. When I do get myself together without them how do I just come back and get them? This would be the most difficult decision that I will ever have to make. Please pray for me and my family. Thank you.