Update

[harristamia]

Week three has been hard for me. Its like I'm stuck. I know what I want but I don't know how to get it. I haven't made any friends yet and I had to take a hard look at my life and where I want to go. I know for sure I want my education but am I doing it the right way? For some reason, I keep making up excuses for why something isn't done. I always used to think that fear was something that people inbetted in their minds to keep them from doing something-like going to an amusement park and someone don't want to ride due to fear of hieghts. Thats fear thats real because you and I can relate to it. But can fear hold you back in life from doing other things that people seem natural. My biggest fear is being rejected, failure, and alone for the rest of my life.

I have to make a plan. No matter how many times I tell this man that I don't love him nor want to be with him, he keeps thinking that I would fall for him but I'm not. My uncle suggested that I move out and let him have the kids until I get myself ready. Its not fair to him or me to be tied into something I don't want. By me being here is making him confused. I'm not confused about this situation because I know I don't need a personal relationship with a man. I'm still working on me- I want to learn how to love someone with all my heart, I want to learn how to trust someone with all my heart, I want to learn how to love me before anyone else can. I have a long way to go. So why am I so afraid to move out? For one, I won't have anywhere to go because I'm still looking for a job. Second, is fear that he make my kids believe that I left them for someone else- no matter how many times I tell this man that I'm not seeing anyone he seems to think every decision I make for myself involoves another man. That is so not true, I'm not thinking about a man or a relationship right now. Why can't he undetstand that.

This weekend I'm going to take time and rethink what it is I really want and how to get it. The girls are gone for the weekend so its me and the boys so I'll have some time to think things through. I wish it was some way I can get through this with no problem but its not that way. I'm going to come up with a solution of ways to avoid fear and overcoming so phoias. It will happen I have hope and it starts with me. I have to change the things that I don't like about myself and accept the things that I cannot change. I was surpised to what I found when I sat down and made a list of things that I don't like about myself and suprisingly I can change that whole list with a lot of working. The main thing is working out and eating properly. Right now I stress eat and thats not good. Maybe tonight I'll come up with another solution to follow maybe this time I will follow through with them.