Going To The Pool

[Moonrush]

So, my oldest son had just turned 9.  One of the things he wanted to do for his birthday was to go swimming at the local Aquatic Center.  They have a great big heated indoor pool, a large therapy pool, a hot tub, big curly slides, and springy diving boards.

All of a sudden, about 2 hours before we planned to leave, I realize that my body is no way, shape or form ready to wear a bathing suit in front of other people.  Well, my body could care less about being ready; it was my mind that was not prepared for it.

So, when we got to the Aquatic Center, my pack of boys (husband and two sons) head off to the boys' locker room to change into their suits.  I headed the opposite direction.  In retrospect, I think this is when my mind started playing its very own April Fool's joke on me (because it was, in fact, April Fools Day).  I found myself looking for visual support.  I wanted to spy just one other Mom like me - a tad overweight, decidedly uncomfortable, but stepping out of her comfort zone for the sake of her kid(s).  Not a one of them in sight.  Shit.

Anyhow, I found the littleittybittymicro-sized stall in which to change into my bathing suit.  After doing so, I found myself standing there inside said stall having a minor conscience and conscious episode. 

The things I told myself in the 5 minutes before stepping out of the stall in my bathing suit:

• "You're not here to win a beauty contest for crying out loud!  You're here because your son wanted to go swimming on his birthday.  So, get out there and have fun!"
• "No one is going to be looking at you.  You are not the center of attention.  You're just another Mom at the pool with her kids."
• "There are probably other women who feel worse about their appearance in a bathing suit than you do, yet they're already out there enjoying themselves.  Step. Out. Of. The. Stall. And. Go. Have. Fun.... NOW!"

The things my personified self-consciousness was telling me in that same time:

• "If there was a mirror in here, you could really see the cellulite behind your butt before other people have to see it."
• "This bathing suit is probably at least one size too small."
• "Women your size should wear suits that cover a bit more than this one does."
• "The other Moms out there are probably in better shape than you."
• "They should make swimming trunks for women, so you don't have to show so much of your thighs."

All in all, it was a really ugly conversation inside of my head.  But, I won momentarily.  I decided to go out there and have fun.  Then, I realized that my husband had all of the towels!!  I had just talked myself into not giving in to self-consciousness, but I still needed a towel to wrap around my waist for the initial walk out of the locker room and into the pool area.  I was like a child needing their security blanket.  I had a(nother) moment of panic.  I frantically tried wrapping my shirt around my waist, but that just highlighted the groin, upper/inner thigh area.  Not good.  ACK!!  I need a towel, stat!  I had to physically fight the urge to put my clothes back on while my personified self-consciousness was telling me that it would be all right if I just sat fully dressed and watched my family have fun. 

NO!  I'm going to do this thing!

So, I gathered my stuff and I did it.  I walked through the locker room, and out into the pool area.  I wish I could say I did it with my head held high, my bearing confident, and my attitude self-assured.  But, no...  For some reason, I was still hyper-self-conscious.  But, I did it anyway.

My personified self-consciousness melded with the rest of my mind and took over.  If it couldn't prevent me from doing this thing, it would at least protect me from making a total fool of myself.  I zeroed in on the therapy pool (aaalll the way across the football field-sized room) and immediately decided that THAT was where I was going to park it for the duration of our visit at the community pool. 

I began walking over there, of course being hyper-aware of my jiggling parts with every single step I took, and realized too late that the path I had chosen went right through a group of what must have been a Mommy Cycling/Tanning/Hiking group.  About 5 or 6 Moms who were all super-fit and nicely tanned.  There was Dead Silence as I passed their ranks.  Dead.  Silence.  Okay, so my mind is probably remembering this as much more dramatic than it actually was, but still - it happened.  I felt my lumpy, pasty, jiggly self blush.  All I needed now was to start my period with a gush!  Then my embarrassment would be complete.  Luckily, that did not happen.

I submersed myself in the therapy pool and did not get out for two whole hours.  When we were ready to leave, I made my husband go and retrieve a towel before I would get more than my shoulders out of the pool.  Having remained in the therapy pool for two hours straight, my toes and fingers were all wrinkly, as was my self-confidence.

Normally, I'm not terribly self-conscious.  Well, not more than any other woman at least.  I did not like the feeling of being hyper-aware of my jiggly thighs, my bouncy bottom, and my saggy boobs.  Not one little bit!  I am even disappointed in myself for not being more carefree about my presence at the community pool.  There were others there who were, in fact, similar in appearance to myself.  Out of shape, pasty white, and there only for the sake of their children.  I thought I would take solace in their presence.  Alas, it only aided in making me feel worse.

Next summer, I'm investing in one of those large inflatable Wal-Mart pools for the backyard.  The community pool is a seriously traumatic place to go!  At least when you're me, it is.

Thank goodness that it's cooling off, and that shorts and bathing suits are not the necessary choice of clothing until next summer!

[evwsquared]

Sep. 9, 2010 at 4:54 PM

You forgot to add in anything about hair where we don't need to be seeing hair. I can't get in a swimsuit on a moment's notice because I have to prepare to be presentable!

I'm sorry that you were so uncomfortable. Next time, I hope that you're able to slide down the slide with abandon.

[Rebeccalynn_dj]

Sep. 9, 2010 at 9:15 PM

Awww.  I think you are beautiful.  You are right though, every woman feels like that.  It doesn't matter the size or shape.

I hope that next summer you feel better just because you have more self confidence in your foxy self!

[Fistandantalus]

Sep. 10, 2010 at 8:02 AM

I live in the world of Body Insecurity, even though I put up an "I don't care" front.  While I truly do believe that it doesn't matter what your shape is, when it comes to bathing suits, I can't help but believe that other people are going to vomit themselves to death at the very sight of me.

[bozziboop]

Sep. 10, 2010 at 10:43 AM

you seem to have a way with words...and yes cool weather means long pants and big shirts...

[searouter]

Sep. 10, 2010 at 10:49 AM

There are a million things women think negatively about themselves. I am no exception. you can be a bathing suit model and have the same thoughts. But there were 3 people there that thought you were the absolute most beautiful thing there and had love in their hearts just knowing you were there. I think it is the thoughts of weight loss and body image that help keep us unhealthy ( Me being in the obese category at the Dr.'s office) I know I have to get over my thoughts of being lesser than and give myself the credit for all that I do! I wish you the same thing to find your happiness!

[Acid]

Sep. 10, 2010 at 12:52 PM

This is why I make a million and one excuses to wear a tshirt over my bathing suit.

I love swimming, I don't love changing and exiting the room. I am sure that people must look at me and talk about having their very own house hippo.

[RoseWall]

Sep. 10, 2010 at 12:54 PM

i hearya. all i have for your is huggles. and more huggles.

great post. i felt every word.

RW

[mmharper90]

Sep. 10, 2010 at 12:56 PM

OMG!!  That sounded like something that would come straight from me!!  I dont know how many "bribes" I came up with this past summer trying to convince my kids they didnt want to go to the pool, I went bankrupt taking them to chuck e cheese and other places...Just so I DIDNT have to go to the POOL!!  LMAO!!  I feel ya!

[kaysha]

Sep. 10, 2010 at 5:31 PM

don't feel bad. I'm short and look like a druggy! (fkn looove my genes...grrr). I'm too skinny and honestly i look like a meth addicte. I've never touched the stuff! But I feel the exact same way about my body...and swimming pools are just evil evil places

[chicanueva]

Sep. 10, 2010 at 6:16 PM

Hi moms,

I think it's awful that Hollywood/fashion magazines/ swimsuitmakers have tricked us into feeling this was about our bodies when it should just be about getting inot the water, cooling off and being with our kids. Yes, they should make swim trunks for women. I went on a quest this summer to find a air of boy short style bikini bottoms that were not too tiny. Never found them. ( I hate skirted bottoms. I really swim, and they hold too much water)

In the end I bought a real bikini. It was right after a phone argument with my hateful ex husband who aleays wanted me to be dressed more conservatively. He'll never see the bikini, but it made me feel better. The first time I wore the bikini out (on vacation) I too, was desperated to keep a towel until I got into the water. (I am 43 yo, 5' 2" and 140lbs , not thin) But I got a huge, priceless, mom gift that day.  I   asked my son to take my picture  "From the chin up, you know"   The surly teenager said "Mom. please, quit acting that way, you're not fat"   Wow, what a compliment. Despite his rolling eyeballs and grumpy tone , I know I've done my job with this boy.  He is not embarrassed to be out with his jiggly pasty mom. Not trying to stay so far away no onw knows were related.

A body is a body. It is meant to be in motion, not ridiculed or objectified. Thanks, Tyler,.  May all the moms out there teach their sons, and daughters, to get over the "you have to be skinny to be seen in public" mindset.