never again

[AmazingAmanda]

never again will i be able to enjoy getting a positive pregnancy test.

never again will i call everyone right after i get that positive test to tell them.

never again will i be unafraid of being pregnant.

it seems so unfair. the one thing my body is made to do is the one thing i cant manage to accomplish. i should be able to have babies. i, as a woman, am made to have babies. but for some reason i cant manage to keep a pregnancy. 2 miscarriages in less than 6 months. twice my body has failed at the one thing it should be able to do. twice. i want so badly to be able to give my husband a child. i want so badly to be able to give my daughter a sibling. i want so badly to have another child. but, for some reason, i haven't been able to. it hurts. i am afraid. when i was pregnant with my daughter i had to get an ultrasound because, at 7ish weeks, they couldn't find her heartbeat with the doppler. i walked into the imaging building knowing, without a doubt, that everything was ok. i was excited because, at 7ish weeks, i was going to see my baby. and i did. i saw her tiny arm stubs and her tiny legs stubs and they were moving. she was alive. i knew there wasn't anything to worry about.

never again will i assume my baby is perfectly fine.

never again will i know that everything is alright.

never again will i have that joy.

for the rest of my child bearing years every positive test will be accompanied by doubt. i will always worry. i will always be fearful. i will always be waiting to hear the bad news. and i don't think it is fair. my husband and i can afford another child. we would love another child. we have done everything right only for everything to go wrong. and it hurts.

[izyandchrismomi]

Apr. 4, 2010 at 11:06 PM

I am so sorry for your losses, and hope you find comfort in your family.

I had 2 mc back in 2002, and they were within 4 months of each other. I have had 3 successful prenancies since then, but the fear never leaves. The heartbreak from those mc is still with me, but it doesn't shatter my world anymore.

I hope that you find love and comfort in your friends and family; also among those of us who have survived such a loss here at CM.

[SillyJessi]

Apr. 4, 2010 at 11:34 PM

I'm so sorry you feel this way.  But I am sure you're not broken.

I had two early losses before I had my sons. 

Honestly mama it doesn't scare me anymore...  it did for awhile but, I guess like all things loss it fades with time.

HUGS to you and baby dust.