Week Four

[harristamia]

Last week was a difficult week for me. Tension at home is too unbearable for me. All we do is fight and cuss each other out. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to be here any longer. The reason is simple, he thinks because I'm here he owns me. No!!! I don't want to belong to anyone. I really need to seek out and help myself. I need to focus on school and working. Our relationship is toxic to me-being here is hurting me. But I don't want to leave the kids. I know how he is and I'm positive that he would fill their heads up with lies about I left them. I even tried talking to him about this and he blankly told me I wasn't going anywhere. This is pulling me down and keeping me there. By next month, I'm going to leave. One day he is going to come home and find me gone. I think I would do better with no distractions right now. I still haven't made no new friends. I still haven't joined a rape/molestation group and my house phone just stop working on me. So yeah last week was not good. Sometimes I wish I could hide under a rock. No one taught me how to overcome or cope. Why can't I get out of this slump? I sit here day after day wondering how to fulfill my needs and my children needs? I'm trying my hardest to make it through school and right now it don't look good. My academic status is hard to look at. I failed the first semester by not going back and now I'm failing again. Its hard to balance family and school. And I need to start working again so that would be another big juggle for me. And when you have too much on your plate something has to go. And unfortunately school has to be knocked off until I can find balance. This is hard to bare I always wanted my education and a career but my biggest fear is coming true. I'm my mother's keeper. I followed in her footsteps the wrong way. I don't want to be like her, with nothing to her name but the clothes on her back. I have three daughters and I want to break this cycle so bad. I hate to sound defeated especially so early in the fight to becoming a better person but I see no other way. Sometimes I believe I'm cursed. I have goals but accomplishing them and going to the next stage in life is to me a little far out of reach. And it always have been. OMG I need help but where to start? I'm trying. I'm hurting so much, most days I don't think I'll be able to make it much longer. I need to get away and find myself I'm becoming weaker by the day just thinking about an uncertain future ahead of me. What I want is to be truly happy in the future, to know no matter what obstacles comes my way I can overcome it with the things that I learned from this lesson. Its hard people reading this might think that fear is a state of mind but in reality fear is real and it can hold you back from alot of things just like phoias fear is very real.

[GothicMama]

Apr. 5, 2010 at 10:03 AM

Wow, I'm sorry you are going through this. I know its a scary thing leaving and going at it alone. My relationship was not as severe as yours but I do understand the school, and family, and leaving. Hit me up anytime you need to. I'll listen

[Lb128f]

Apr. 6, 2010 at 1:30 PM

I'm sorry. I hope you'll check out this web site...there's a lot of good information about leaving and what to do...and there are links for help in your local area. Good Luck. http://www.ndvh.org/

[harristamia]

Apr. 6, 2010 at 10:25 PM

Thank you both for the advice and I will check on that website tomorrow I hope you continue reading...I'm not giving up. He won't win this one!!!!!

(Original Poster)