I don't want to be pregnant.

[VelvetCat]

There I said it.  I feel like the biggest jerk off  hypocrite ever to walk the face of the earth.

This is my 6th pregnancy. Only 2 have been successful. I never wanted to go through any of this agian. I didnt want to be pregnant again. Didint want to give birth again. Didnt want to go through all the worry and pokes and prods and all the other shit that comes with trying to make sure I don't miscarry.

This was not planned.  We used protection. I dont get how it happened. The only reason I even know I am pregnant right now is because last Monday I went in to get a boob job that i spent a very long time deciding on and preparing for, and they did a routine pee test right before I went under, and there it was.  Two god damn lines.

I have had blood tests to confirm, and also blood tests to watch my progesterone and HCG. At first I wasnt going to, but I know my history, and if I don't give this pregnancy a chance, I will feel like a murder for not trying..

But this is hard. We only wanted 2 kids. We are poor. We bust our asses to give the the 2 we have every chance at a better life.  My husband works hard as his job.  I stay home and raise the kids while he works,  then I work part time in the evenings and weekends,  and go to school part time..   Having a third kid is really gonna turn shit upside down.

I'm mad. Confused..  Everyday I feel different. This morning even when I found my levels were dropping I made sure they called in my script right away so I could start progesterone because this morning I wanted this baby. Well, some one messed up and I cant get them til tomorrow, and they are not covered by insurance. I'm starting to wonder if I even care to go get them tomorrow. But how could i not?

SO TORN! I just started anti depressants and they were making everything so GOOD! Now I have to get off them.

I have never been so sick with a pregnancy in my life.  I want to cry every minute of the day because of it, and the fatigue, and all the stress I am feeling over all of these damn decisions.

Just want to wake up. Find its all a bad dream. Go back to life before all of this shit.

.. and just because i write this , I will probably miscarry and feel guilt the rest of my life for even saying anything,

 

[Cashs_mom]

Apr. 7, 2010 at 4:26 AM

 If you miscarry it will not be b/c of this post, I understand your feelings though. I hope everything will end up the way its supposed to. take care hun!!

[cainjes]

Apr. 7, 2010 at 5:47 PM

I know how you are feeling about not wanting to be pregnant! I had an IUD inplace and was planning my dream wedding in September. Now I'm having a 2nd trimester spring wedding instead of my gorgeous fall wedding. I spent the first 5 weeks of this pregnancy hoping it would just go away. I'm 10 weeks and have moved on to ambivilent but I'm not excited yet. I think things will work out for the best anyway. Whatever happens, i believe it's for a reason.

[KBeanBean]

Apr. 30, 2010 at 9:03 PM

I'm pretty sure there are some antidepressants you can stay on while pregnant.  Even though it's not the most natural thing to do, if you feel better it may be worth it. 

[outbreakgirl]

Jun. 1, 2010 at 3:18 PM

Ahhh hun ((( hug )))

[LuLuThatsWho]

Jun. 9, 2010 at 2:21 PM

I felt exactly like this... I am due in December and having a huge wedding with 300 of my parents closest friends (lol) in August.  I am getting over it now, but I still feel guilty for feeling so negative about this from the start!  Hope things are getting better for you!

[Tiffywall86]

Nov. 13, 2010 at 8:54 AM

if your so poor how were you going to get boob job

[VelvetCat]

Nov. 13, 2010 at 10:42 AM

lol...    I had been saving up for a couple years..  so I had the money.  Now we had to use it all for medical expenses cuz our insurance is horrible and I had some complications...  AND..  I would have been able to say in school, but  i had to drop out, so now that I have to pay my loans back.. we are having a real struggle.  my loans are as much as my rent.......  If I wouldnt have gotten pregnant, I would still be in school and not having to pay loans.. and we would be "o.k."...  k?

(Original Poster)