Since my grandfather passed it seemed like this year was turning to be a bad year. However I have realized that once I got the crap and the people that stree me out the most out of my life it has made a turn for the better. Ive been looking at getting back into school and trying to get my life together. For the first time ever I have been attempting to do things completly by myself. Self reliance is not something that I am used to. I am used to that if something happens then I have my grandfather or my father to turn to. Since my grandfather has passed and my father is out of the picture (due to him attacking my fiance) I am completely by myself. I do have my fiance and that is great but I am trying to rely completely on myself. I am working a full time job and babysitting part time to try and ensure that I have enough money to be comfortable. Its very difficult raising a child on one income due to the way that this economy is at this point in time. My fiance contributes more than I ask however I do not see fit for him to ask to pay my bills or buy me things that I could live without. I do have support in my grandmother and my future mother in law. However I am trying to prove to myself that yes I can raise my son to be a respectable person without any financial support.
You hear from people about how difficult it is to be a single mom. Nobody dares touches on the subject of being a single young mom. I will be 21 this year. I believe that if I was given the correct tools growing up then I would have been better prepared. Let me explain. I begged my father to allow me to get a job in high school outside of his business. He didnt want to hear about it. All he wanted me to do was depend on him. I'm sorry but being able to just go and ask daddy for money has not led me to spend my money wisely. But now I am trying to do everything I can to ensure that I can budget my money so that I can give my son a stable home life. I do not like asking people for money. But then again it is nice to know that if I truly need the money I do have someone(my grandmother) to help when things just get too hard. I am activly trying to find a more stable job. If anyone else is a single mother than you know that minimum wage is okay for people who dont have kids but when you have a little boy who is almost two and who eats as much as his father then you realize that you are about 50 dollars short of trying to give him everything that he needs. Yes his father steps up and gets him whatever I need to help to take care of him. He gives me a set amount of money every month and then if I need more then he gives it to me. He also takes care of his son while I am at work so I am not having to spend 100 plus dollars a week in child care.
Because I am young and inexperienced in the world I believe that I have a lot of difficult lessons to learn still yet. I also believe that the lessons I have had to learn could have been prevented if I would have been given the proper upbringing that still lacks. Maturity only goes so far.
I miss my parents horribly but I am not going to go out of my way to meet them halfway when they do not wish to do the same thing. How is it fair that I go out of my way to meet people who have blatently disrespected my fiance who happens to be the father of my son. I understand that dad is jealous and feels like phillip stole me away from him. Not a big deal but its time to realize that I have a son and a family of my own. As soon as you have a family of your own your past immediate family becomes extended family. Things are never going to be the way the used to be and its time that they faced that fact. I long to be a part of my fathers life. However I am not going to endanger my son or take away from my family to go get bossed around and made to feel like crap just because I am not doing things the way he did them or expects me to do.
Stress is a killer and I am tired of being put in the middle between my boys and my family. My boys are my family and its about time that everyone realized it. I am tired of being stressed mentally basically being asked to choose. When dad told me its either phil or him I chose phil. He is my sons father and the man I love. If someone is going to ask me to choose I will choose the other each and every time. I do not think its fair to be put in this postion but we live and learn.
What I have to keep reminding myself is that I am a mother. I am not going to be the runaway mother that my mother was. Yes running away is easy but its a spineless self centered thing to do and I am not going to have my son wonder where mommy went or where she is at.