At a crossroads in my life, I have no clue what direction to go in

[WestBamaMommy]

Seems I only get on here when life is almost unbearable. I think it helps me to just write this stuff, get it out and hopefully get some clarity while doing it. So here it goes.... Still going thru all this hell with Cliff. I cant forgive him, I cant get images out of my head, I cant get thoughts to go away, I cant sleep sometimes still. Its been since July, why am I not any better yet? I still believe he cheated with that second b*tch and he basically admited it one night in an argument when he blurted out "Im being faithful now" then he realizes what he said and corrected himself by saying that any lie is being unfaithful. I dont know what to believe. I dont even know at this point if it would even matter. What matters is that Im scared to love him. He has lied about so many things, said so many times that he wont ever lie again and yet still does. He told me the other day that it didnt feel like lies, just part of his life. What does that even mean anyways? How can you get a man to stop lying to you if he a) doesnt feel bad about it and b) doesnt even view it as lies?? I sit here day in and down out scared, nervous, worried, suspious, unhappy and most of the time in tears. So now once again, I have divorce on my brain. But everytime I start thinking it would be for the best, I worry about loosing my house that I love so much, I worry about my kids being shifted to two homes, I worry about being alone and growing old without anyone to love me. I have grown such a dependence on this man and for the life of me I dont know how to break it. Im even in therapy and cant figure out how to break it. So here I sit, alone at my computer, having to stop typing this sometimes because its hard to catch my breath when I cry so hard. Lonely, angry, miserable, sad, terrified. I keep going in this circle and have for months now because Im scared to either start over again or open my heart to a man who has broken it so many times. I dont know anyone who has ever forgiven and came out for the best. I dont have that influence. All I hear from people is how divorce is so much easier and I think I am at a point to where it is for the best, I just think about the kids and how their lives will be uprooted. I hate that thought. My life took a drastic turn for the worse when my parents divorced and I hate the thought of that happening to my kids. I dont want to make the same mistakes as my parents did. I try to be a better parent and always put them first in my life but now I dont know what is best for them. Ive got alot to think about and alot of things have to be said and done soon. Im so scared. I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted true love. I wonder now if Im to messed up to ever give or recieve that.

[NannyB.]

Apr. 29, 2010 at 4:01 PM

Happily ever after exists only in fairy tales.  We all come to marriage with expectations that are way too high, and then reality hits.  We also all have our baggage that we bring into marriage with us.  Sounds to me like you really love this guy but you are disappointed in him.  Been there and done that and stuck it out.  Been married now 45 plus years and still working on some things but wouldn't trade my experience for anything.  One thing I've learned from talking to other wives is that no matter how well you think you know a person, you don't really know him until you have made the vows and agreed that part of the deal is helping him become the best person he can possibly become.  Tell your hubby that is what you signed on for and that's what you intend to do.  When you love a man, that's really the only answer!

[WestBamaMommy]

Apr. 29, 2010 at 4:14 PM Thank you for the comment. I want him to be a better person, not only for himself, our marriage but for the kids as well. He just doesnt see where what he does is wrong or even hurtful. I do love him, I think..just all the hurt and resentment gets in the way most of the time. I will certainly keep in mind about your experiences. Thank you again so much.

(Original Poster)

[MomGirls]

Apr. 29, 2010 at 11:09 PM

I can relate to your situation because I have recently been through it myself. We have two daughters together and he has two sons from two other women. I got fed of it all and actually went through an divorce which was in my favor. I was beyound mad, angry, and couldn't trust this man. But deep down inside pass all those negative emotions that I felt. I was still very much in love with this man. We remained divorced for five years. And during this time, it was like we were still together! We even had our second daughter during this time. I came to resent the fact that I had divorced him and accepted the fact that he wasn't perfect and neither was I. I knew that it would hurt our children and us to be apart and deep inside I really didn't want that. On the same day that we divorced we remarried (five years). He always wanted to marry me but I would refused because I was scared. I had to learn that love cast away fear. And that it was okay for me to forgive him. We had to work on our relationship that we both wanted and we still are. I learned that love never fails and is unconditional. I know that you are very hurt and in much pain. But don't make any decisions that you may regret later. I know that it is hard. If you have to seperate for awhile do so. Tell the children mommy and daddy needs time apart but we still love you very much. You will need this time to think and pray. God hates divorce. Divorce hurts innocent people your children. Really think about this. I'm not telling you not to get a divorce. But I'm telling you to really think about it. I know thats not what you want to hear at this time, I was the same wait. But remember, what you feel are just emotions and won't last forever. It took me five years to let him back in; to be my husband. I still don't trust him completely; but I love him very much. Just take your time. I hope that this was helpful. And I will be praying for you and your family. Its going to be okay. God wants you to trust him.

[WestBamaMommy]

Apr. 30, 2010 at 12:47 PM Thank you so much for the advice. I hate you had to go thru that, but glad some good came out of it. I will keep it all in mind and hope I make the best decision and do what is best for the kiddos. Its just so hard to figure out what is right or wrong when your head is spinning and so upset. Thanks again.

(Original Poster)