My acceptance speech into Motherhood... written over 37 years ago.
I'm nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I'm perfect! I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I rite award winning operas, I managed Chase Manhattan Bank. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, and I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang glidinig and neighborhood mountain climbing. On Wednesdays, I repair electrical appliances free of charge, just for kicks.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My skillful floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one Wednesday and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had siezed a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, I participate in full-contact origami, just to let off steam. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have turned down modeling sets and given them to Claudia Sheffield. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a sprig of parsley and a toaster oven. I also know karate, kung-fu, and 47 other dangerous words. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Juliette, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken to Elvis.
But, I have not had the opportunity to hold the title of 'Mother.' I accept this new challenge and will try my best to make this a successful endeavour. And if at first I don't succeed, I will redefine success.
On a personal note: I have taken a vow of poverty, so if you really want to annoy me, please send money.
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