Just some thoughts

[talladegas_mom]

Well it really has been a while since I have blogged or journaled or anything lately.  I just need to get a ew things out to help me think through them so to speak. 

So I got myself way over my head in the swapping world this past few months and I am hating myself for it.  I just planned on mailing the stuff then the hubby would go and spend too much money and I wouldn't have enough to get them out.  It pisses me off b/c I feel like I used to be friends with all these ladies but have now alienated mysel from them b/c I eel soo guilty for not getting stuff done on time.  It used to be fun and now I can barely motivate myself to enter my office.  I still want to be part of the group I just feel like my trust has been ruined.  But oh well, such is life.

Then on top of that my personal life is one big huge ball of suck.  I anyone wants a perfect lil mormon family with a husband and two kids and job as a stay at home mom, you are welcome to my life.  I am so ready for a mental vacation.  I just want to pick up and dissapear.  Just walk up the canyon and never be seen or heard from again.  Of course we all know that'll never happen.  I love my kids too much.  But the stress of living with my husband and trying to live up to his expectations are too much somedays.  I get tired of the emotional abuse.  A person can only hear how horrible of a housekeeper they are before they completely stop trying. 

I guess I am too the point where I am not trying anymore.  The only thing I really try at is keeping the kids happy and keeping my caloric intake down.  I know it is a bad thing to do, I know I shouldn't prevent myself from eating, but I can't make myself eat.  I have been nauseous for the past week and all my FB friends think I am pregnant, but I can't very well tell them I am sick from NOT eating.  I can't have the world lecturing me about it.  I mean I know it's wrong I argue with myself everytime I get hungry.  I try to make myself eat but apparently ED is back.  Not a friend I have dealt with since highschool.  In all honestly I thought I killed those thoughts of long ago.  I went through two pregnancies being able to throw up from morning sickness and not spiral out of control.  And here out of no where I find myself argueing alone in the kitchen in the middle o the night about eating green beans or not. 

It sucks b/c while I am trying so hard to train myself to eat and not get sick, I am hiding it from everyone.  I love that my husband is naive to it and just thinks I am sick from allergies.  I couldnt even finish my dinner tonight and I was so upset b/c I needed to eat it, I can't just not eat I can't just throw up, but my will is stronger than my intelect at times and I hate it.  If only we had some damn fish in the reezer I could just eat and not worry.  I hate how heavy the food feels in my stomach and I hate when the number on the scale goes up when I haven't even got it down to the number I want it at.  Mostly I hate that I know no matter how much I lose it will never be enough and as gross as I think skinny girls are I will never see my body as something I like anymore. 

[Lb128f]

May. 13, 2010 at 2:09 AM

I'm sorry. Your DH shouldn't be emotionally/verbally abusing you. I'm sure it would help if he didn't...have you thought about counseling...I think it would help for the ED issue and maybe too with your DH. And, on your group...maybe if you explained that money is an issue and you will get caught up as soon as possible they would understand? Good Luck!

[mychildmyworld]

May. 13, 2010 at 12:14 PM

I am here if you ever need to talk, you know that.  You are a great person.  Love ya!!

[Jambo4]

May. 14, 2010 at 4:32 PM

I'm sorry.  We all feel like that at times.  I know right now, I'm overwhelmed but it helps to focus on the little things.  I love Spring!  So I make the most out of watching little flowers bloom.. silly I know, but try to enjoy the journey.