I don't know what to do anymore (may be some cussing)

[macmomsangel]

I am so stressed over the bills. I have 10 weeks until I graduate from college. I am so scared that after I have earned my degree that I might not find a job. My youngest (18 yo), for two days now has totally been disresspective, and constantly starting arguments. He moved out before but it only lasted 2 1/2 weeks and he came back. everything was ok until yesterday. He moved out the same way as last time, by starting an argument. Why couldn't he just say that he wanted to move out? Why did he have to degrade me and make me feel like I am worthless, useless, and don't deserve to be here? Why do it when I am home alone? They don't do it when their father is around. I have been through this with all three of my kids.

My dh and I have given up so much to make sure that they had what they needed. I quit my job because my one son was having serious problems in school. I just don't understand that with all that we have given up for them how they could be so mean and hateful towards me. They always aim it at me and never around their father. They blame me for every little thing.

The deal for them to live here is to do chores in lieu of paying rent or a bill. I was doing laundry when my youngest started bitching because his two chores for today was to vacuum and the cat litter. The cat is his. He told me that I was treating him like a slave. It was two simple chores then he was free to go out and hang with his buddies. Then he started blaming me for everything. That he can't find a job, that he failed everyone of his college classes, that because he has no job to pay for his insurance that he has no way to get around. How is it my fault? He's over 18, it is time that he take some kind of responsibility for himself.

Then the usual that I have heard almost all of their lives. "You don't love me as much as the others". "You make me do more then the others". He thinks because he runs around with his buddies that his chores stop. My 19 yo son moved back a few weeks ago because we live closer to the college that he is attending. He learned the hard way that life is not easy or cheap. My daughter also learned from her mistakes.

It doesn't help matters that I have diabetes and with all of the stress my sugar is way out of whack and having problems controlling it. I am bi-polar with depression. And he knows what to do to aggravate my health conditions. My son has made me feel that I don't deserve anything and don't deserve to live. I just don't understand how you can treat your children with love and respect and they dump all over me. I have now been crying for four hours and cannot seem to get it to stop.

I just wish that my kids wouldn't make me feel this way. I feel like everything has crumbled around me and I can't find my way out or even if there is a way out. At this point I also feel that my depression medicine is even working. What do I have to do to make my kids wake up and see what they are doing to me? I honestly do love my children but they have got to stop making me feel this way. I just wish that once their father was here when they do this. Please someone help me. I don't want to feel this way.