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Standards
- May 18, 2010 at 10:30 PM
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- Comments (25) Total Views (895) Everyone can see this journal post.
Okay, I've been dating some (okay, quite a bit) since I got divorced, and I'm learning a lot about what I can and can't reasonably expect from a man, and what I can and can't put up with.
I'm writing this mostly in second person, even though it's doubtful anyone on this site is looking to date me, but just because this is the way it's coming out of my head.
a) First and foremost, NO ALCOHOLICS. It's expensive, they're lousy in bed when they're drunk, they pass out at inconvenient times and make you go it alone, and they die early. Fuck that.
b) COMMUNICATION is key! I used to think my husband and I had decent communication, until I found a guy with whom I ACTUALLY wanted to share my feelings and experiences, and with whom I could talk about what was bothering us without fighting or shutting down. It was wonderful! Unfortunately, he didn't meet criterion A. It's nice to know that awesome communication is POSSIBLE, and now I know what to look for.
c) SHOWERS are important. TWO of the guys I've dated weren't big on showers. Really? EW! Then they want to rub that greasy body all over me? I don't care HOW gorgeous, romantic, communicative you are...if you aren't clean, you have no business being in my bed. And if you KNOW I think you look gorgeous when you shave, is it too much to ask you to do it OCCASIONALLY? Or wear underwear without stains? Can you at least PRETEND I'm worth trying to impress?
d) Persistence is to be commended, but NOT PUSHINESS. If I tell you I don't want you meeting my kids until we're serious, respect it. If I tell you I don't really want you to come over tonight because I'm emotional, respect it. If I tell you that there's only one acceptable hole for little willy to enter through, RESPECT IT. Speaking of respect...
e) RESPECT is possibly more important than anything! Not only do I need you to show ME respect, but I need to be able to respect YOU. If, instead of looking for a job while you're unemployed, you come to me all excited about some pyramid scheme that you've discovered that's going to make you rich...I just can't do it. If I can't respect you, it isn't going to go anywhere. And if YOU don't respect ME, and treat me as such (see again, exhibit D up there), how can I respect you?
f) I had no idea what GOOD IN BED felt like! Now that I know (and boy, DO I EVER!), I don't think I can go back to so-so. GREAT KISSING is important, too. I didn't mind my husband being an incompatible (I won't say bad, because his kissing style might be just perfect for someone else) kisser at first, but that kind of thing gets old after a while. Real old. I've discovered that there are people out there who kiss me JUST the way I want to be kissed. And I won't settle for less. It's important to me.
g) NO MIND GAMES. I've found that this one is easier to achieve when dating older (much older) men, but...ehhhhh... Surely there are genuine boys my age that don't live for a good mind-rape. It's great to have someone say exactly what they mean, and expect and respect the same from you. I mean, GREAT.
Okay ladies...what would YOU add to this list?
Comments:
In all seriousness, I would add to that list someone who does not smoke or dip. Either way, nasty to kiss and if you get a good kisser here's the rub: you won't want to kiss them because of the tobacco product.
Also, someone who is equally as smart and funny as you.
I am glad you have learned so much. Now here is a kiss for you just the way you like it and not drunk. *Mwah
I think I'm with Jilly--there's nothing to add to this list that you don't already have, my love. I'd go gay for you!
Otherwise... compatibility is important. I believe it was Chris Rock who said, "if you're gonna be a crackhead, then your woman better be a crackhead too."
Nobody who is currently living at a Big Bob's U-Stor-It and refers to that as "a transition period".
If nothing is EVER his fault or responsibility, then it's Later Skater.
If he still considers his greatest accomplishment to be Longest Keg Stand Spring Break 2000, fuggeddabouddit.
Ownership of a very large, very untrained dog and evidence of said dog clumped up all over the domicile should be a dealbreaker.
I would also add that someone must be in good financial standing. Bad finances equal stress, and someone that is probably a procrastinator.
I agree, no smokers. I don't like the smell or the taste when kissing and they die young. Having it together financially is important too. I have friends that recently divorced and started dating losers, it was such a waste of time - no matter how great the sex and conversation is - their debt could some day be yours. No thanks.
I also want a man that is capable of helping around the house. THIS woman isn't a maid or a chef. Cook a meal or do laundry and you'll impress me.
I would add that he has to have some common sense. Its nice that you wanted to get me a stuffed animal... but the bloody one you found in the back of a crunched up car in the junk yard is not what i wanted, neither is the lotion you were going to give to your ex girlfriend before she dumped you, the evil rabid rabbit you got off the side of the highway meadow instead of going to the pet store, or the little rose that came to me in a crackpipe.
I love your list. I was a single mom for 8 years in between marriages and it took me a minute to gain this sort of insight. I agree w/ the ladies who said financial stability and would add that the guys should have their own form of transportation. When I was single, I dated a couple of guys who didn't have their own cars and it didn't last long.
parrishsky, I'm married to a dipper and personally, I would rather he smoked. I have not kissed him in years (beyond a closed-mouth peck) because he won't quit dipping!
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