I'm typically a very quiet and private person, so, there's probably more than a few things not known about me. lol  Here is one. I have severe panic disorder w/agoraphobia and a touch of OCD thrown in for good measure.  Have had it most all of my life but didn't find out what it was till 11 years ago.  For the longest time I thought I was losing my mind or not being strong enough. Just couldn't understand what was going on, my body seemed to have a mind of its own.  Out of nowhere my heart would start racing, I'd be short of breath, dizzy, feel like I "wasn't all there", chest pain, nauseous, tingling that would spread from my hands to my face, shaking, just miserable. I even used to get them in my sleep!  It would wake me short of breath heart racing pounding out of my chest, disoriented couldn't tell where I was. It caused me to fear leaving my house afraid I'd have another attack. And forget about driving!

It's not normally something I like to talk about. I don't enjoy the jokes, ridicule, the "just get over it" or "it's all in your head" mentallity. Nor do I enjoy feeling like I have to explain myself. So, I usually don't tell people. I didn't choose to be this way, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If it was something  I could just stop doing, I would have a long time ago. There's nothing I "won't" do and I'm certainly NOT lazy. It's even harder when the ones around you don't understand. I'm glad they don't know what it's like, but, at the same time, makes it kinda hard for me. It's hard to tell someone what its really like unless they've experienced one.

I found out about  panic attacks 11 years ago when my sister talked to me about her teenage son having them and then we found out we have an uncle who had them too. Then it clicked for me. I began reading up on the subject on the internet and discovered I wasn't alone as I'd felt all those years. It was relief it had a name and it's treatable! Well, it took me a few more years to finally see a doctor about it. I didn't much dote on the idea of taking medication but I knew I could no longer handle it on my own. She prescribed one for me and I couldn't believe the difference it made! I have good days and bad days, it's still a struggle. But I'm learning more about how to cope with it and my life has been much better for it. I haven't had a severe attack in ages and I no longer have them while sleeping. I get out of my house more, still bothers me, but I can do it. The only thing I haven't been able to do is drive again.

It's not an easy thing to live with, whether you're a sufferer, a family member, or a friend. The first step to understanding is knowledge. And be an active, patient, participant in your or your loved one's recovery. It's not something that will happen overnight but recovery is achievable. There are some good support groups out there, a few of them are here in Cafemom.

So, that's a little about me.

Tags: journal theme, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, hope, help, support

Add A Comment