As I sit here and think about my dad on life support, I wonder what he feels, if anything; or if, subconciously, he knows the outcome of what will happen...and moreover, I wish I did too. All my life, now looking back, I feel like I've taken more advantage of my dad instead of cherishing the moments that we had together. Through the good times and the bad ones...and a few were a doozy, he was always there, never hesitating to help me with whatever I needed. And now, I face the fact that I may never get the chance to tell him face to face---with him not hooked up to IV's and machines to keep him alive---how much I appreciate how much of a wonderful father he has been...for I have been lucky and he has never let me down.
As a wonder about bills, how I'm doing as a parent or how I am going to do all the chores at the same time, none of that seems to matter anymore as my father battles for every breathe that is forced into his body. As I look back at all the things that once were so important, they seem not so important to me anymore. And I realize, that even though it's an impossible feat, that one day, my kids are going to have to go through the same thing in life. It's hard for a child, no matter the age, to realize that eventually, you have to let go and let God. I face the fact that it's God's will if he stays or if he goes home...what I can't do, is let go; and if I can, I have to find that somewhere inside me because if I don't find peace of mind soon, I am going to go nuts. The last thing my kids need to see is how much I'm hurting or suffering so I hide behind a mask of smiles and laughter.
To my father: I love you...and I know I tell you this all the time, but maybe I never said it when it matters and now I realize that my I Love You might have come too late. Life isn't always full of wonderful things and the most important things I thought were so important doesn't seem that way now. You have people on both sides no matter what the outcome and I pray everyday for the strength to accept things, no matter what happens. I hope you know that I love you with everything and I will always be waiting in the wings.