Dear LDS Church,
I feel inadequate to continue being a member. I am not like those sweet, happy women who live for Sundays and Relief Society activities occasionally during the week. I try, and fail, to live the way you ask of me. This hurts me. It makes me feel like I am a failure. I swear, and cannot seem to stop. I don't regret having sex outside of marriage. I don't regret living with my ex fiance. I don't regret having a child out of wedlock. I feel like my entire life has been a struggle to be a part of this church. I don't resent what you are trying to do. I feel it teaches a wonderful thing and family means so much to its members. Which is great. But I've never felt a great stirring in my heart just thinking about the Church. All those wonderful stories I hear about converts is foreign to me. I can't see myself feeling that way. I do not feel like I fit in with those people who are great and faithful members. I can't live according to the Gospel. I don't deny there is a God. I will never. I just don't want to struggle to have faith anymore. Why do I have free will if its wrong to choose things like I have? I am not a murderer, a rapist or a criminal. My actions do not affect anyone but me. Yet I'm still breaking the laws which I've been taughyt. Is this the beginning of my descent to hell? Or have I just cemented that fact? I'm sorry I wasn't better. I wish you the best of luck and I only wish I was strong enough to be like those great people who don't struggle.
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