Unfullfilled Expectations

[caseylauren]

May 31, 2010

 Memorial Day....... a day for remembering those who have died to protect the freedoms we enjoy, but which becomes mostly about backyard BBQ's and pool parties for the majority of us.

 As I write this, my ex husband Steve, who I currently live with due to economic instability, is at the beach with a great parking spot... he wants me to bring the kids (age 16 and 15) if they ever wake up... it is only 10:18 AM... way too early for teens to get out of bed on a holiday from school!

 I have recently purchased a small charcoal BBQ and am excited to make grilled corn on the cob along with grilled artichokes for todays' holiday meal!  Of course the BBQ is still in the box and I was hoping the men would be putting it together for me today.... though being one who can read directions and follow them (unlike the men), I will most likely be putting it together myself!

 I have been away from my blog for more time than I care to admit.  It is a personality flaw of mine that I don't always like to claim..... excitement about a new project. followed by apathy.  I am disappointed in my ability to stick with something, once I've made a commitment!  I used to have such resolve when I was younger.... I could stick to a diet, I could follow an exercise plan, I could finish something I started.... what's happened?  Have I, like so many these days, been spoiled by the instant gratification culture?  If you don't get results quickly, move on to something else?

 I can use the excuse that life is too busy... with 2 teenage kids and working 2 jobs.... no one would question my excuse, and believe me, I have used it!  But I have come to an awareness within, that I am ready to claim my life and stop making excuses.  It's taken me awhile to get here and I've learned some interesting things along the way.  The first being, that I started feeling like what I had to say wasn't that important.... it became more than me just writing a journal, and about saying something interesting or important ‘for my readers'.... and that's when I started doubting myself... who am I to think that I've got anything worthwhile to say?  I'm not a writer....it has to be funny..... so, I just kind of gave up.....it just dawned on me today, that the whole point of this blog was to just be me.... to share my experiences, thoughts, feelings... whether anyone reads them or not.... so, I am making another commitment to begin the blog again.

 Another ‘aha' moment came recently when I realized I continue to have expectations that my ex husband is going to become something more than he is!  Wow!  We've been divorced 8 years and I'm still holding onto that!  I found myself always feeling angry or disappointed around him, because he wasn't making things happen financially, and it affects my kids, which affects me... but I'm tired of feeling that way all the time, especially now that we live together as roommates. 

 After knowing him for more than 20 years, this really is the norm for him and I just need to let go of the hope that he'll be able to provide 50% of the kids day to day expenses.... it's going to be up to me.. .and I'm OK with that!  I will be the breadwinner!  So I've given myself permission to make a lot of money and let go of the energetic tie to Steve and his inability to provide 50/50.  I have decided to appreciate all the things that he does bring to the table for my kids, and it's been a lot.... he's here to help them with homework (high school Trig and Physics were not my area of expertise!!), and he helps out with the multiple schlepping of kids from one place to the next on a daily basis, and he's always taking them to the beach, or to play Frisbee or foosball.... so it definitely has its' upside.  The downside is that I'm living with my ex husband... something that can put a damper on potential new relationships... so I haven't been looking.  I had put up some profiles on a few of the more popular dating sites, but took them down recently.  I keep telling myself that I'm too busy to invest time into a new relationship, but I wonder sometimes if that isn't just another excuse?  Do I really accept myself right this moment, being 15 pounds overweight (still!!), or am I thinking that I can only find true happiness if I stick with my diet a little longer... another interesting question to ponder!

 We had a wonderful BBQ.... turns out the contents of the box were missing important parts, so I had to return to my local drugstore to exchange for a new one!  Oh well, it gave the meat more time to soak up the marinade.... the stuffed, grilled artichokes were so fabulous... I think I'll put the recipe up on our website (www.fivesisterslaughing.com).  I may try some exotic recipe for hamburgers tomorrow night... who knew a $15 BBQ (on sale at RiteAid) could bring such simple enjoyment!