Thinking waaayyy too much

[jmdivine]

Well, this past year has been a whirlwind to say the least. My everyday life is pretty mundane however.  I'm still blessed to be working, though I'm beginning to think I may need to start looking again.  Not because I don't like the job, it is way more stress than I need in my life.

My son, has begun to be difficult for me.  Actually, he has been for some time.  And the truth is, I'm just plain tired.  I started "dating". If you call it that.  I still live online for the most part.  I went out with 3 men.  The first was an old high school boyfriend.. I had fun for the most part, but I am not attracted to him at all.  I thought it was because I was still dwelling on Steven.  But, nah...the spark ain't there.  I can't see him to often.  He always wants to talk about a possible "us".  Then I went out with someone my ex sisnlaw set me up with.  He was a nice guy.  She didn't do me wrong.  But, yet again, no spark.  Then I went out with a guy I met on Tagged.  He and I had been chattin it up for a bit.  When I met him, I was attracted.  Freaked me out like you wouldn't believe.  I was beginning to think that part of me was dead.

I ended up doing something, I didn't think I'd do for another year and a half....I slept with him.  We've had some good times. Now, he has been MIA for almost 2wks.  And to boot....I might be pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I use protection. But, something is going on with my body.  I know, I could just go and buy a pg test...but the truth is I have ten bucks to my name til payday on Thursday.  I'm really bugging about this.  I am angry at myself.  I feel like I "played" myself.  Now at 36, I may be pregnant with someone who probably doesn't want me.  I'm a single mom of 3.  I'm struggling to keep afloat.  How am I going to explain to my family if I am pregnant? What kind of sorry excuse of a mom am I for my girls?

Am I just destined to live in stupidity for the rest of my life?  Will I never find someone for me?  Why do I keep making such awful decisions/choices??

[Lb128f]

Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:53 PM

I'm sorry. Life happens...it's not always what we want or expect...but, yeah...you do have to make some smart choices now...you aren't a "kid" any longer. So...go to the Dollar Store and get a PG test. And, when you meet someone you like...slow down. Enjoy your children...take time for yourself. "If" love is supposed to happen, it will. Be patient! Good Luck!

You'd probably benefit from some counseling too...talk therapy can help a lot...it will give you some insight as to why you do the things you do!

[jmdivine]

Jun. 13, 2010 at 2:03 PM

That's the kicker. For the past year and half, my decisions have only been for my children.  Literally work, home. It took year just for me to actually go out. And now......this.. UUGGHH. I've been counseling for the past two months as well.  Gave up my Tuesday nite church to go to counseling in the evenings.  I'm not sure if it's helping.  I noticed, I'm talking, but not gettin any feedback.  And I WANT feedback.  How else am I going to do better?

(Original Poster)

[divinity80921]

Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:17 PM

They don't do a lot of "feedback" in the counseling process. It's more like guided "you-talking." The answers truly are inside yourself, not inside the counselor.

When you get your check on Thursday, buy the test so you know - unless "mother nature" shows up before then.

And if you are PG, OK. You have options. There's adoption. There's keeping the baby and making the father pay child support. There's keeping the baby and seeing if you and the father want to commit to parentlng together (don't write it off so fast, he might just want to do that, but if he does not want that, you and the children will be just fine without him because the Lord is going to look over you).

Does it make you a bad mother to your daughters? HECK NO, it does NOT. It makes you a human being who sometimes behaves impulsively, just like all the rest of us. I've seen it happen that a divorced mom of three who found herself pregnant out of wedlock by a father she'd had a one-night-stand with (and whose name she never knew) just went forward and kept the baby and the baby drew her and her three older children all together closer. You are struggling financially? I saw that her two younger children from her marriage did not own shoes in the summer because she could not afford to buy them. She put her pride on the back burner and signed up for Temporary Aid For Families. (That's what the program is there for, anyway.)

 

[jmdivine]

Jun. 13, 2010 at 11:37 PM

Thanks D...you always know what I need.

(Original Poster)