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Wish I could be happy with Ryleigh's birth *sigh*
- Jul 13, 2010 at 5:14 PM
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- Comments (13) Total Views (271) Everyone can see this journal post.
My pregnancy was textbook, I wasn't induced, things were going great until the doctors decided to check me and wouldn't let me outta the bed. Labor had been so easy (yes, I said easy), only pressure not pain really. I had been doing great and knew I was getting pretty close by the time I got outta the jacuzzi when they decided to check me. I was a "very squishy" 8 or 9 but I wasn't feeling the urge to push yet. I never got to this time and I feel like I got robbed. Again.
With Connor I got robbed of my last few weeks of pregnancy because of my darn high blood pressure. With Ryleigh I got robbed of my 100% natural birth because the doctors had a bunch of other patients they were dealing with and I was "close enough". I was already in the bed (which made my labor excrutiatingly painful) and they decided it was time for me to push. With one of my contractions the doctor broke my water. With the next contraction, which hurt like hell already cuz I was in the damn bed, the doctor slipped my cervix over Ryleigh's head. That was the worst feeling in the world. Ryleigh followed shortly after, 3 pushes in 2 contractions, but my body wasn't ready and it hurt like hell.
She was perfectly healthy, I survived, but it wasn't what I wanted. People are so proud of me for "doing it again", giving birth without drugs, but I'm just dissappointed again. Not with the whole experience but just with the way it ended. Why can't I just be happy though?
It doesn't help that now my husband is talking about being done having kids since we have one of each. I'm not. But the more he pushes for being done (even though we agreed on 4 long ago) the more my heart breaks over the way Ryleigh's delivery turned out. If we don't have any more children I will never get my ideal birth. Hell, at this point, I may have missed my chance. Who knows how the next pregnancy/delivery will go if I'm even allowed to have more babies?
One thing I DO know is, that I will never give birth in a hospital again if I have a choice. If its medically necessary I will cave and go, but if I get the joy of having another child and there is no medical reason to have it in the hospital I won't be going anywhere near one. Ideally I'd love to give birth at home, not even have to fuss with going anywhere, but a good compromise for me is going to a midwife-run birthcenter. At least there they won't force me into a bed to check me and keep me there even though I'm in pain and my body hasn't told me its baby time yet.
Maybe someday I'll get the birth I'm dreaming of... If I even get to have more babies...
Comments:
That is not how birth works (normally, naturally) so it's VERY understandable that you would feel robbed. You were!
:-(
HUGS!
You don't need to make any decisions about future babies just now. Heal from this last experience over the next weeks-months-years. Later on you can reevaluate and see if you're both thinking the same thing.
Good luck!
Hugs, momma. :( I'm so sorry....
*hugs*
Very sorry for the way it ended. You asked "Why can't I just be happy though?" and the answer is simple... it;s not what you wanted. I have issues with my daughter's birth. That was 11 years ago and we can never get our child's birth back, that's why it hurts so bad. =(
((hugs))
You were robbed! So was I, I know how you feel. Yeah, he was healthy and yeah I did it drug-free BUT it was NOT what I wanted, agreed to, or asked for and that really pissed me off and made me mad at them but also at myself. My son is now 5 and we just found out we're pregnant again. I never thought I'd have the chance either since I'm not very fertile. And this is the reason why I would NEVER birth in a hospital again either. I'm not taking the chance letting someone else run the show, it's my DAMN show to run!
I've been looking forward to having a birth my way in order to "heal" from the last one but over the last year when I thought I'd never get pregnant again I really made peace with it. What helped me was realizing that at least I KNEW what was taken from me, so many mothers don't! I did some visualization many times of me taking back control from the hospital bed and having everything go the way it was intended too...but it took a little while. Your pain is still fresh. And I did a lot of praying for the Lord to just let me accept what happened, that I cannot change it, and that knowing a better way helps me to speak up to others...(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry, mama.
Many people forget or refuse to believe there is far more to birth then a physically healthy mom and baby. The mental health plays just as big of a role. I still struggle with my first birth thought my second (home birth) did so much to help heal me. It is OK to feel cheated, robbed, empty, and morn this loss. While it is true you gained, it is not fair to deny yourself morning for what you lost.
A few weeks ago there was some drama on my Facebook page that led me writing a huge response. Intertwined in this (and a letter I wrote a friend later) is the topic of "Just because mom and baby are both alive and well doesn't mean it was a successful birth". You can find those writings Here: http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read.php?post_id=1610757&post_publish=1
((HUGS))
there is definately a greif that happens when your birth is wronged by anothers hand and you are left to bear the guilt and loss of the potential perfection. im sorry that you dream was taken from you. i truely feel for you. it does get easier. i promise. like all grief it does ease.
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I've always felt that way about my second childs birth. I'm nowhere near as brave as you to go with no pain meds but I didn't like that I was induced and I liked when it happened naturally when my kids were ready with the first and third. I let people talk me into inducing because I was past my due date and not even dialeted and my dad had a vacation planned and thought my baby would be there by then and I felt pressured and was induced. Oh and after he was born he had to be in a warmer for an hour and I couldn't hold him for a while which made me regret it even more. So I know how you feel.
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