When it's our children, it's hard to let it be.

[shabby.chic]

This year, I've been working on moving past the victim mentality. Life is not against me, it is helping me to grow up. I've accepted that God does not have an agenda against my family, that He loves us so much he want's to see us improve our lives. In accepting this, I've opened myself up to a whole new world, and I am enjoying my newfound freedom from fear....

almost....

My son is still sick. There is this daily reminder. Every single time I stick a needle into his soft flesh and he flinches from the burn of the insulin entering his body, my heart breaks a little more. When he has to come running in during the middle of a game of hide and seek, because his body is telling him his blood sugar is dropping too quickly, I want to scream at the injustice that he can't just be a normal little boy.

So while I have accepted that this is meant to be, that I could not have traded places with my son because God, in his infinite wisdom, needs things to be just as they are..... the diabetes still breaks me.

I can accept everything else. The marriage problems, my over-bearing mother, the complete lack of extra money-I can not only accept these things but emerge stronger.

But my son. My innocent 6 year old son who will have to carry the burden of this disease for the rest of his life-This will always be my black hole. Every mistake I make in deciding his doses, every time I have to tell him again he can't go off with someone for their lack of knowledge--It tries to drag me back into that dark abyss that had me for 2 years. I don't want to fall back down into that lonely space.

But it's my son....

[shabby.chic]

Jul. 14, 2010 at 6:11 PM

Today I took my kids to a clothes store. My 2 year old daughter was being, well, a 2 year old. But about halfway through the store, my son starts acting hyper also. Being frazzled already, I reacted like his mother, not his caretaker. I scolded him, threatened him. Then he looks at me with his big brown eyes and says 'Mom, I'm hot'. *sigh* His blood sugar was 49. It's so hard sometimes to differentiate between him being a kid and him being a diabetic.

I think that I am supposed to sink into the abyss today. I haven't felt this hopeless in awhile : ( So I'll let it have me for a few hours, and wake up to a new day tomorrow.

(Original Poster)

[Jadegirl1819]

Jul. 14, 2010 at 9:00 PM

It's so hard.  I don't remember much from the first year after diagnosis.  I was in such a fog.  I hope things get better for you.

[ZsMommy]

Jul. 22, 2010 at 3:49 AM

Hon-Stay strong-that's what your son needs. I'm the mother of a child with autism,something she too will never outgrow,will struggle with all her life-but God saw it fit that I be her mommy-and there are days I cry-when I see her around so called "normal" children and see her awkwardness...There are times I too must turn down invites or programs and I see the sad acceptance while not fully understanding the reason "why"

But our job is to be there.And while both our children have their struggles-somewhere another mom and another child have even greater struggles than we do.You have to keep perspective and count the blessings you do have.

(((HUGS))) to you-stay strong-and if you need a shoulder to vent on-I'm here.