This was posted on an adoptee-only message board on another forum far-far away.  I thought the words were VERY powerful. I wish that expectant mothers who are considering adoption can read the words of adoptees such as this one and maybe realize that adoption IS legalized abajndonment!



".... you can't just pretend you weren't abandoned by those people... and for them to want to be called by the family relationships titles that would have been if you hadn't been abandoned by them is not acknowledging what actually took place--- you were "tossed" out of the family, raised in a fairly "normal american home" (whatever that is LOL) and then they wanna just take up like nothing happened, and it just isn't so. Pretending to be someone's child when you're an adoptee doesnt work, but neither does pretending you're the child of the family that relinquished you... just pretending the abandonment never happened won't work either. Have you dealt with the anger of beinng given away? I often think I have, only to find out -- nope.... definitly still there! You fit neither place and you fit both places, and you are also completely unique. That is the fractured life of an adoptee, no such thing as wholeness. Finding does not bring wholeness, although I think that is what motivates most of us to trek through burning sand (metaphorically speaking) to find our birthfamilies, is to stop that horrible feeling of emptiness, and it may shock a lot of people to know, that nothing will ever stop that feeling. There simply is no cure. You will find out a lot of things when you locate the birthfamily, some good, some bad, all worth knowing (even the bad) but the hole will always be there, and the abandonment is a wound that will never heal. It formed your VERY FIRST impression of the world we live in. And anger over the abandonment is something even "enlightened" adoptees seldom talk about. It's the very root of our existence--a sacred and delicate and VITAL trust was demolished in the first hour of life. It can never be fixed. Adoptees live in a realm somewhere in between... never completely here, nor there between the birthfamily and the adopters, even if both sides are complete and total saints (which they're not) we simply exist in the space between them, neither fully one or the other. Sad. But there it is."

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Comments:

momof...
Jul. 15, 2010 at 2:14 AM

Wow! I was adopted 34 yrs ago and I am thankful every single day that my birth mother didn't decide to go the other route and abort me. Mothers who give their children up for adoption are not monsters and their children will not be emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives.

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RozyMama
Jul. 15, 2010 at 10:38 PM

What?!  You're suggesting that people who cannot care for or do not WANT their babies should not consider adoption?  So what do you suggest?  Abortion? Or that a woman should "try" to keep a baby she is unwilling or unable to care for -- possibly ending up in foster home and foster home when things don't work out?  I wonder if the writer of this journal would have preferred one of those options, or advocate them for babies who have no say in the matter.  I fully sympathize with this woman's heartache, but I'd rather be alive with some emotional baggage than dead or in terrible living conditions, thanks. 

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Cedar...
Jul. 16, 2010 at 2:46 AM

Adoption is legalized abandonment, pure and simple.  You cannot guarantee that any adoptee wo't be damaged by it.  Some are, and some aren't.  But I have heard many adoptees who are out of the adoption fog say that being an adoptee is feels exactly like being a "nine-month abortion."  If you are interested, I suggest you check out http://www.adultadoptees.org for an adoptee support group that doesn't drink the kool-aid.

BTW, abortion and adoption are NOT alternatives to each other. that is a myth promoted by the adoption industry that wants to present adoption as a "loving option" when in fact a decision about adoption should ONLY be made once the mother has fully recovered from birth.  A decision about abortion vs. becoming a mother (because when you give birth you WILL become a mother) is a decision for early pregnancy.

and up to 98% of women who have surrendered babies for adoption felt pressured to do so, so we don't have scads of women "who cannot care for or do not WANT their babies".

If they cannot care for their babies, then why is that?   what is preventing them from being able to do so?  you can't just make a blanket statement about 'can't care" without looking at WHY the mother supposedly 'cannot care' for her child.  are her human rights under Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights being violated?

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Bless...
Jul. 22, 2010 at 12:25 AM

I feel sorry for those who feel the way you do. I for one was adopted at birth and NEVER had any hard feelings towards my biological mother nor did I feel abandonded. I always felt like I was the "choosen child." They never made me feel like I wasn't "their" child.
And now as a grown adult I help others adopt children. I realize that not everyone agrees with adoption....that is unfortunate. It is a beautiful thing. I fully realize that not every situation turns out perfect, but adoption can be a wonderful thing. So sorry you feel that way. I felt blessed to have been adopted. 

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