All Joy & No Fun - Why parents hate parenting

[SuZ23]

This article by Jennifer Senior appeared on nymag.com on July 4th.  It really spoke to me.  I would love to hear what others think.....

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

First off, I urge you to read the entire article. Yes, it is long.  I was unable to read the article all the way through due to the pressing demands of two little ones.  So I forwarded it to my work email where I was able thoroughly digest it from the peace and quiet of my cubicle.

Before anyone judges this article I strongly recommend reading it all the way to the end.  It is not the doom and gloom projected by the stark pictures and startling bylines.  I found it to be a very poignant and honest account of parenting.  It pulls back the curtain to show that life with children is not all birthday parties and picnics like we try to portray on our Facebook pages.

Parenting is filled with too much guilt these days and I often mull over how it got this way.  It's as if there is a formula: A + B + C - X = Perfect kid.  We stress ourselves to death trying to get it right.  It would be easier to just admit that raising kids is hard; just like life itself is hard. 

Recently I've begun pondering how I want my kids to see me-both now and looking back years from now.  I wish to be perceived as a person who is kind-hearted, fun-loving, happy, enjoys her own interests and hobbies, and treats people fairly.  It's doubtful the kids will take into consideration whether I followed all the parenting "rules" laid out in books written by experts, or provided the top-of-the line car seat, stroller, high chair, etc.  So it is with these things in mind that I face parenting decisions.

Yes, parenting can suck the joy out of some things, but it also reveals joy in so many little places you may not have looked before.  After a hectic morning at home with whiny voices and spilled milk, the commute to work is a welcome solitude.  Talking with adult co-workers becomes a pleasure after playing pretend for 2 hours (although there is joy to be found in that as well.).  Peace and quiet.  I didn't enjoy or appreciate this simple, elusive phenomenon until the din of family arrived in my home. 

Make parenting fun for yourself.  I try to think of things I used to enjoy as a child and revisit some of those activities with my own children.  Some recent adventures:  dancing like fools to 80's music, roller skating, watching The Muppet Show.  I must keep in mind, however, that my kids may not enjoy it like I expect them to.  When this is the case, I move on. 

Raising kids is not exactly the ego-trip that raising a loyal dog gives you.  Kids are selfish.  They can't be expected to shower you with hugs and kisses, love and adoration.  In fact having a baby because one is lonely or feels that their own parents did not love them enough is a bad, bad idea.

If you simply can't read the article all the way to the end, please take a moment to ponder this magnificent gem, found in the very last paragraph:

"It's a lovely magic trick of the memory, this gilding of hard times.  Perhaps it's just the necessary alchemy we need to keep the species going.  But for parents, this sleight of the mind and spell on the heart is the very definition of enchantment."

I think this explains why after a terrible day with my kids, I will still gaze lovingly on their sweet faces as they sleep.  Can't say the same about anyone else in my life.

[Amber1125]

Jul. 22, 2010 at 8:09 PM

I haven't read it yet, but totally look fwd to it after reading just what you wrote about it.  I think I'll have to print it and maybe read it tonight after Chaz goes to bed.