I forgot to say aloud how beautiful he really was to me!

[s.h.star]

If this is the 1st time reading my journal then here is a quick fill in. My son's father killed himself on 5/26/10, he hung himself in our basement. I am not the reason he died but I am the sole reason for the death of our relationship. Things headed south around last Christmas. Well for me they headed south after the birth of out second son. We began arguing alot on a daily basis. Mostly over money. I have expensive taste and always wanted the finer things in life and I am easily bored so I like to go out and eat and see new places and do new things and just explore. He was my opposite. He liked practical things that were free. He enjoyed fishing, nature, and the country and outdoors. Well we found out the only thing in common was our love for each other and for our boys. I used to think I would be better of with someone with common interests. Then I would go to a place in my mind where I though " would I be with him if it wasn't for the kids?" and I honestly didn't know. We had a fast whirlwind romance and fell in love hard and we only knew each other 2 weeks before we got a apt together. Fast forward to this past christmas. A very attractive man friend requested me on myspace and I accepted then he messaged me and in his 1st message he was really sweet and sounded like Matthew did when we 1st hooked up. I liked the idea of falling in love again and I though maybe I had found a better version of Matt. But it turned out this guy was a total jerk and manipulated me and used me and treated me like shit. I destroyed my beautiful family for a complete jerk. I hate myself for my choice. I had hope we were gonna work out our problems in counseling but we never got the chance because he couldn't deal and wanted to take the easy way outta life. I miss him everyday and he really truly was a beautiful man and the best father I have ever seen. I threw away a wonderful life where I had everything but until you lose everything you never really appreciate what you have. Now I am left with nothing but memories and a custody battle with his PYSCHO family. My point in writing this is maybe someone who reads it and isn't happy in their marriage or relationship can see that things they think are horrible really aren't and they shouldn't give up on their family because the grass isn't always greener in fact you may just find an empty pasture.

[MSugarKane]

Aug. 17, 2010 at 5:38 PM

*hugs*

[mistynights234]

Aug. 17, 2010 at 5:42 PM

((*hugs*))

[felicia0387]

Aug. 17, 2010 at 11:53 PM

I am sorrry for your loss. I am kinda going through the same thing, except its my boyfriend who is pushing me away, and me trying my best to hold on. Again i am sorry for you and your childfrens loss and good luck with the custody thing.

[cre8ive40]

Aug. 18, 2010 at 3:30 PM

(((hugs)))  I pray all goes well with the custody hearing.