Not sure how I feel about all this....

[Marissa823]

 Well tomorrow is my 30th birthday & I am not sure exactly how that makes me feel. It didn't bother me until just the other day now all of a sudden I am kinda weirded out by the whole thing. It's like I feel sorta like a failure. I still haven't finished college & won't until May 2011, I don't own a house, I have never had, as my hubby put it "a real, grown-up job" and now I am 30 years old.

 Further complicating the whole scenario is that my son is turning 5 on Sept 2 & he is starting Kindergarten. My baby is not a baby anymore. We have been trying for baby number 2 for a long time now to no avail. I have Poly cystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS for short which has given us the lovely gift of secondary infertility which has added to my feelings of failure.

 A part of me says to forget it, be happy for what I have & don't get me wrong I am blessed but I want more. My husband said to me the other day that I don't have any ambition. He is only partially right. My ambition was to be a mother & a housewife. To stay at home & have a couple kids but that isn't happening. For starters I married a teacher & in NY a teacher's salary is not enough to buy a house, so that combined with not being able to have anymore children at this time has sent me back to school, So that someday we can give our son & hopefully his future siblings what I never had growing up... a stable home that my married parents owned.

 I grew up with as an only child to a single mother who moved from apartment to apartment. I don't want that for my child. I guess aging has caused me to examine my life to a degree that I usually don't. I feel a little better already just being able to get some of these feelings off my chest.

 

[Melissa823]

Aug. 23, 2010 at 9:38 AM

Hey Marissa, first of all, 30 is just a number, and these days, people haven't even STARTED having kids by 30. 

I think it's difficult having unmet goals and feeling like you've failed, but ultimately - what is the most important thing in your life? Being a good mom? Being a good wife? 

Whatever it is, I'm sure that in 70 years on your deathbed, you're not going to say - "I wish I would have finished my degree sooner." You're going to reflect on who you were as a person and what legacy you will leave to your children - and based on what little I know of you - that's what you're doing.

The other stuff is just STUFF. It's value is minimal. 2011 is NOT far away. Finish your degree and keep trying for more kids if that's what you're heart's desire is, but NO MORE beating yourself up for not having this idealistic life you think you should have attained by now. No one does!

You're doing all the right things. Hang in there! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!