(I am so tired. Tired of venting and talking about him, about this...so i can imagine how sick of it you all are. But this is my safe haven, so suck it-hee hee kiddin, its my safe place, so if bored with it-just skip it,ty :))
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I FELT "LESS" BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS? HOW MANY TIMES? COUNTLESS....
i am making a list of my own Bill, my love, my darlin man. who when I met you...God you suckered me I guess.A list you may never see, but i need to read each and everyday. and i am also asking my friends(and please friends only, no one who has a secret grudge at this time) to help me remember what you have done and said to me.
My bestie? she cant help because she has suddenly decided to make this a "we" project. after leaving me alone thru a pregnancy, that was life threatening, after ignoring a suicide attempt...now its "we".
anyways, Bill there is a list of real life harms and hurts and the biggest reason i want it?
I look at this sweet baby boy, who is 16 months old..and each tantrum, each thing thrown, I have to ask myself"OMG is he already acting like the man in his life?" (tho he NEVER sees the fighting, oh no Bill waits until we are alone to verbally slice me)
NO NO. NO FUCKIN WAY. I swear Bill, I will die first, I will DIE before you or your sick family get your hands on him. and then I will do whatever I can from the grave to make sure you never see him again.
Does a boy need a father? yes, we all need a father. Do we always get what we want or need? no...
But a father is more than a man who plays for a few minutes at a time in-between games of xbox, or movies, or naps... he teaches a good work ethic, but not an obsession with being "rich no matter who you crush or blame",money isnt the key to happiness,love is, and a father teaches a son how to love a woman, starting with his mom. and for those with daughters? a father teaches said daughter how to BE loved...by a man or a partner.
(I realize this is babble, but its healing me, at this second I am becoming a person again)
Billy, I loved you, with every part of me. and i tolerated so much under the excuses of "I cant be a two time loser in a great love". MY cross to bear, and how funny is it your nickname is "BEAR"...and so I became Bearsjen. And you havebeen my cross to bear...
silly girl. ok done for now, ty if you made it thru this...
I am getting stronger each day. and I will be a success story. I promise you that.
love love and blessed be.
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