"the borg"

[sweetsmommy]

Over the past few months I have become quite of Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website GOOP.  I found her latest entry to be so important and insightful that I am referencing it here. Her latest "BE" newsletter deals with a topic very near, although not at all very dear to my heart: post-partum depression. In her personal account of dealing with post-partum depression, Bryce Dallas Howard shares a clever ancedote about a friend who told her that his friend was "finally back" after having been abducted by "The Borg," an alien space creature in Star Treck that apparently takes over the mind and spirit of the victim it invades. To date, that is the best analogy I have ever heard to accurately describe what having post-partum depression feels like. Ten-percent of new mothers suffer from symptoms of post-partum depression. And while that number may not sound significant, trust me, it is. Post-partum depression is a horrific, debilitating illness that distorts your mind, plays with your emotions and can lead to severe feelings of self-loathing at a time when you are supposed to be not only at your most happiest, but most nurturing as well. Each day is an emotional roller-coaster that you just pray will stop so that you can get off. Beyond that, and certainly most importantly, a person suffering from severe post-partum depression is a potential threat to themselves and/or their child. 

In the past, I have blogged about my own experience with post-partum depression as a way to come to terms with those feelings that seeped into my life so covertly that they went virtually unnoticed until they became so overwhelming that they almost suffocated me altogether. You see, I was so deliriously happy throughout my entire pregnancy that it never occurred to me that I would be anything but deliriously happy once our son entered the world. How wrong, arrogant and naive I was. It would be nearly 18-months after his birth that I would finally be free from the emotional and psychological weight that post-partum depression placed on me. And while I am and have always been grateful for the health and happiness of my son, I still mourn those first several months of his life when I wasn't quite myself and was incapable of being in the moment with him and celebrating every nuance of his life instead of obsessing over things that either meant nothing in the big scheme of things or were beyond my control. And while I will always regret that I wasn't the kind of mother I wanted to be to him during that time, I know that it's important to forgive myself and move on. Especially since he has no recollection of that time whatsoever.

At just 10%, post-partum depression is the exception, not the rule. But it was very clear to me in reading the personal accounts of this often ignored by-product of motherhood, that keeping mum about it is not an option. No one wants to think they are suffering from this illness, let alone admit to someone else that they have it, but it is such a necessary part of your recovery. Acknowledging that you have it and having family and friends that you can talk to about can make all the difference in the world in your recovery. I didn't tell my doctor I had any symptoms because by the time the fog lifted and I realized that I had it, I was already recovering from it. But that didn't make my recovery any less painful. I honestly believe that my behavior during that time separated the boys from the men. I lost some friends during that time...friends who I thought had my back and who would see me through to the end. And while I am tempted to say that I had put my faith in some people who maybe weren't worthy of it; I know in my heart of hearts that isn't entirely true. Maintaining friendships when you become a parent is difficult enough under the best of circumstances, but when you're no longer the person that you used to be it's even harder. When your personality takes a turn for the worse and the mostly likable person you were becomes an angry, negative, resentful and needy individual, it takes a toll on not only you, but the people around you as well. I had become toxic. And like anything toxic it can eventually lead to a cancer that takes and takes until you are completely spent and empty with nothing left to give. And it just may be that perhaps at that time in their lives they were in need of saving as well, but could only save one person at a time and they chose to save themselves. It's hard to be a life-jacket for someone else when you're in desperate need of one yourself. Which is why I am extremely thankful to God that I have a wonderful and incredibly understanding husband who wasn't sure what I was dealing with, but has a mother who was sympathetic to my situation and helped him through it. During those difficult times you must cleave to those who you know will not desert you in your hour of need. It may seem like a lot to ask of them and in a lot ways it is. But don't worry, I am sure there will be a time when you can return the favor.

Those first 18 months were tough I'm not going to lie. I was a hot mess. These days I can hardly believe that ttime ever took place...it's almost like a bad dream. And even when I read about other women's experiences with PPD none of them have yet to mirror my own experience. Unlike most of the stories I have read, I felt completely connected to my son from the moment he was born; I did and still do love him more than anything. However, I was so disgusted with myself most of the time that I felt he was too. I can remember holding him and having him cry incessantly only to have Will take him from me and have him stop. Each time that happened it was like a knife in my heart because all I kept thinking is, "my son hates me." It seems surreal even to write this because now his reaction to me is a complete 180; he goes into a full panic if he can't see me and wants to go with me everywhere, even the bathroom! I realize now that my feelings were irrational and not based on any reality that truly existed anywhere else but in my own mind. But that is what post-partum can do to you. It robs of you of your rational mind, not to mention some of those precious moments early on in your child's life.

For a long time I ruled out having a second child. When I was pregnant with Daniel I was already planning on having another when he was 18-months old. After he was born and things were a lot more difficult than I had anticipated I couldn't imagine having another one. These days I'm much more open to the possibility. I don't know if I'll ever have another a child or not...I don't even know if I can. I'm getting older and the cards are stacked against me. But like everything else in my life, it's in the Lord's hands. At least now I know that if I were to get pregnant again I'd know how to handle it if those sudden waves of depression were to come rushing over me.

In case you are interested, I've attached the link to Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP. http://goop.com/newsletter/93/en/  You can read my account of dealing with PPD in my archived post entitled, Let the madness begin, dated July 24, 2009.