So here it is.  I have anxiety.  It is such a simple word for such a huge problem.  I have been having anxiety since I was 14.  My parents were finishing college and my mom had to do an internship in Wisconsin.  That was over 2000 miles away from me.  I was terrified of my step dad because he was very abusive to me.  So, I had anxiety attacks where I thought that I was having a heart attack.   Somehow, I made it through my teens and the anxiety seemed to disappear. 

I went through some tragic events in my life in my mid 20's (3 miscarriages and the death of  a family memeber) an I managed to not have any issues.  Then I got pregnant with my son.  I was anxious all through the pregnancy, afraid I might lose him.  He came into this world as a blessing to me.  I am thankful every day that I have him.  Then came my daughter.  During my pregnancy I was a little less worried about losing her.  Then I fell down some stairs.  Two days later I had to have emergency c-section and that is when all the anxiety came back.

The control was taken away from me.  I had to have surgery (scares me near to death) and she was in rough shape.  She had to stay in the NICU for 4 days on oxygen because her lungs had filled up with my blood from when I fell.  Anyway, the long short of that was that I was worried for her the entire first few months because of all of it. 

I am morbidly obese.  I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancies and I haven't been able to take it off.  Several months ago I got a call from my father in law telling me that his wife died in her sleep from a heart attack.  He also lost his stepdaughter to undiagnosed diabetes.  This got me thinking about my own weight issues.  Obsessing is a better word for it.  I started looking and trying different diets, and as a somewhat lazy person I have looked for the easy way out.  Then in May this year, I couldn't stop thinking about it and I had a chest pain.  I went to the hospital and they ran a bunch of tests and determined that there wasn't anything wrong with me.  My EKG came back fine and they sent me home telling me that I have an anxiety attack. 

I went to see my doctor who put me on some anti anxiety meds and told me to start walking a couple times a week.  I was still obsessing about my health and I was worried all day and all night about my heart.  In June, I went to my sister's graduation party and I was not feeling well.  I was having intense back pains where my kidneys are and it was humid outside.  I was feeling stressed and I went home.  I had  a full blown panic attack at home.  I thought I was going to die.  I was dizzy and had cold flashes.  I was running around my house and just freaking out.  Finally, all of it stopped and I went to bed and the very next day I went to see my doctor.  This time she put me on a different med and told me that I might need to see a counselor. 

My family didn't know about all of this, just my husband.  He has been putting up with my anxiety for the last few months and he is just frustrated at this point.  I get dizzy now whenever I am feeling stressed or tired and when I am dizzy I feel more stress.  I am afraid to take medication because I am afraid of the side effects of the medication.  I told my doctor that I don't want to take meds so I am not taking them.  I started working out and that helped for a while.  I would work out almost everyday and it then I would feel anxious about it afterwards. 

Now my life is completely out of control.  I am afraid everyday.  I stopped exercising, but I am thinking about starting walking, more for stress release then for exercise.  I am irritable and angry most of the day and I don't sleep well.  I am dizzy all the time and my doctor tells me that it is because of anxiety.  I have a lot of gas and so I have pains from it which starts the cycle.  Basically, fear has taken control of my life.

I am trying the Attacking Anxiety and Depression program.  If this doesn't work, I think my husband is going to leave me.  He is so frustrated with me that he works 12 hr days a week and then works Friday and Saturday extra.  He spends all of his free time in front of the computer and doesn't pay attention to the kids.   I hope this will help us. 

Anxiety, such a little word.

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Comments:

Valle...
Sep. 17, 2010 at 1:16 AM

well honey if he spends all his time in front of the computer he may be a big factor in yur low self esteem and your anxiety. Dont worry about keeping him, you just worry about getting yourself healthy and doing whats best for YOU.

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