I think this is gonna be my last therapy post... opinions welcome :)

[Annette7931]

Ok, so i'm having a real hard time with therapy.  I loved it at first because i was able to spill my guts to someone who seemed to understand what i was saying. I'm not saying it was 100% easy, i dont think i have EVER cried as much as i did, but it was freeing i guess.  But now that i have been "freed", I'm finding it impossible to repress certain feelings, and now finding it impossible to be around my dad. So heres what has come from 7 sessions of therapy:

1) My dad is an EXTREMELY negative influence in my life.  He has always been verbally and mentally abusive towards me but since he is my dad and other people have seen/heard his comments without reacting, i came to the conclusion that repressing my feelings was overall a better solution that dealing with them.

2) In my mind, i can't distinguish hating an action from hating a person. I very strongly dislike what my dad has done to me, and when my hubby comes home to play games instead of have family time, but to say those actions are dissappointing or that i hate them, in my mind is the same as saying i am dissappointed in my dad/dh, and i don't necessarily feel that is the case (at least i never used to, my feelings toward my dad have MAJORLY changed).

3) If i ever took the time to reflect on all the comments my dad has made to me, i would never want to see him again.  The therapist says this is why i need to be the change in our relationship.  I really honestly donot believe i am strong enough to bring about this change and now i feel worse than ever before.

4) My biggest fear is that my daughter will grow up like me.  I believe EVERYONE is ALWAYS judging me... afterall thats exactly what my dad did every single day of my life.  He also taught me that everyone judges your every move.  My best example of this is his driving habits... he hates driving at night (oncoming lights make him dizzy) but he hates the thought of other people knowing he has his wife driving him around, so when we are going to visit family 2 hours away, my mom drives us there, stops about 3 blocks away, switched seats with my dad, and my dad appears to be the one who did the driving... i am in no way exxagerating this.  So as a result of all this, i am the shyest most insecure person you will ever meet, even though i can hide it well (because i don't want you to think i am shy and insecure... nice vicious cycle huh?)...  i learned to be this way by watching my dad... what will she learn from watching me?

5) I was able to function more when i repressed, or at least didn't acknowledge, anger towards my dad.  Now that i have seen the damage, every comment he makes hurts 10 times more.  Yesterday i was changing my dd's diaper and he went off on how sorry he felt that she didn't have a kinder mom who cared more about her... i was so upset i couldn't handle being there so i spent 3 hours at the park waiting for mom to come home... the day before that i found myself praying that my mom would get home early (and blogging about it here) because it hurt me so much.  I don't know how to be around him anymore... but i love my mom too much to cut off all ties with them. 

6) If it weren't for my mom, my dad would be dead to me.  That sentence makes me cry everytime.  I feel its something a child should never say about their parents... i mean hell its a commandment, "honor thy father and mother"... and coming to this realization has made me feel like shit.

7) And lastly, and most importantly, my feelings towards my dad ARE VALID!!!! My mom has spent the last 20 years of my life convincing me "thats just the way he is" and "it could always be worse"... be that as it may, it is still pretty damn hurtful!!!!

So i feel like its all been negative.  I feel like i am not, by any stretch of the imagination, ready to confront my dad about how he has made me feel. And that is where therapy is going.  The weekly "homework" he has given me has been replaced with one question he wants me to address "Whats the next step.  How do i get my dad to see what he has done to me?"  I'm not ready for this question.  He and i have fought over his comments.  he has never hit me but i vividly remember the time it almost came to that because i "talked back" when i was 15... Telling him a comment is stupid has led to him verbally beating me down (this happened less than a year ago)... Writing him a letter would just lead to a necessary discussion, which would lead us right back to that same "but i'm the dad" argument and verbal abuse.  I don't want to confront him... i am scared to death of confronting him.  And that is what the therapist is focusing on.  I am strongly considering not going back to therapy because i don't want to have this discussion ever again.  I don't want to beat the dead horse... its not going to happen... i'm not ready!!! So do i go and try to convince the therapist that i can't do it, or just walk away at least knowing my feelings towards my dad are valid.  Ok, thats all i can write, i am emotionally exhausted now.  Maybe i'll post this in a forum to get more opinions... we'll see.

[momofkids]

Sep. 17, 2010 at 2:00 PM

Yes, you absolutely need to stay in therapy.  Children learn by example.  If you want your daughter to grow up without issues, then you need to take care of yours.  You need to print out what you wrote and give it to your therapist.  Your therapist needs to understand you and that is a good way to get there.  You probably aren't as open in your sessions as you were here.  I am sure you aren't telling the therapist how you feel about therapy.  If that doesn't seem to work, then consider a new therapist.  Not all therapists are a good match for every patient.  DO NOT give up on therapy though.

[Annette7931]

Sep. 17, 2010 at 2:09 PM

I actually am WAY more open in therapy then i am here... he knows every intimate detail... he knows i have been debating continuing... and he knows i am scared shitless of confronting my dad... that being said, he still thinks it needs to happen, which is why he pushes it so much.

(Original Poster)