This is a continuation. See part one here.

I didn't know what to think. I couldn't muster a single word. I stood there in shock and terror, trying to collect myself enough to say or do something. He was embarrassed, he was scared. He looked at me with the guiltiest eyes I have ever seen. There was no talking, no touching, the rest of the night. He showed himself out when his mom got there to pick him up. I showered twice that night. I felt dirty, I was ashamed.

The next morning I had to work at 7 am (we both worked at McDonalds). The first three hours of my shift were ok, I didn't think a lot about it, it was busy and the time just went by. When I took my break, I sat down and it hurt, it hurt so much I almost cried. As soon as I felt that pain, I got an awful feeling in my stomach. I am not a virgin any more.

The next few weeks were hell. He was as supportive as he could be, but all I wanted to do was be angry with him. We had to see each other every day at school, we had to see each other in the evenings and on the weekends because we worked together. He would try to hug and kiss me, but every time he got close it brought back the feeling of being dirty and ashamed. I stayed home sick for almost an entire week, and that Friday, after school, he showed up at my house with a stuffed dog and a ring. He was doing what he thought was right, he told me that he wanted to be with me forever anyway, and no matter what happened, that is still what he wanted. He told me this was a promise ring, a promise that we will always be together.

And I told him to leave.

I knew that I had messed up just as much as he did. I knew he wasn't at fault. I knew I wanted to wear that ring, and regardless of how things ended up, I did want to be with him forever. But I also wasn't stupid. I knew that young people often think life is a fairy tale, and this high school sweetheart really is "the one," only to break up before graduation. I knew that him buying me a promise ring wouldn't actually mean he would stay. I knew that trying to raise a baby as two high school drop-outs working at McDonalds just wouldn't cut it.

I was sad. I could barely eat, barely sleep. I cried almost every day. I would walk through the halls at school and hear a conversation, or a song on the TV in the cafeteria, read a book in English about babies, anything that could possibly remind me of the underlying dilemma make me sick to my stomach. I found myself in the girls' bathroom trying not to cry at least twice a day, every day.

And after 22 days of pure hell, I got my period.

I went from being so depressed I couldn't eat to shouting praise to the rooftops! I was ecstatic, and for the first time in 22 days I agreed to see him. I had recently gotten my driver's license, so I drove over to his house. It was a Friday night, and I didn't have to be home until midnight. It was cold outside, but we wanted to be alone. We took a few blankets, laid on the trampoline and started talking.

Less than an hour later, I walked away single and devastated.

He was livid with me for not "being there for him" during all of it. He told me that we were supposed to go through these types of things together, whether we were a couple or not. He said I was trying to control the situation by pushing him away. Deep down, I knew he was right. But sitting there, face to face, all I wanted to do was scream at him. And only then did I tell him that it didn't matter, because there was no baby, there was no pregnancy. He was mad at ME for not supporting HIM? I was the one who was possibly pregnant, possibly carrying a baby. Me. Not him. How could he be so childish, how could he be so mean?

I told him I was done.

That was the first of several break ups over a three year period of time. Eventually, I stopped going back. He was the love of my life, my best friend, my other half, my soul mate.

I moved on, fell in love, we have a beautiful little girl together. And, while I wouldn't change my life or what I have for anything, I sometimes wonder what if? What if we DID get pregnant that night? What if I actually lightened up and let him be there to comfort me? What if we didn't break up that last time..

There is always the one that got away. But looking back now, I don't regret a second of it. The pain, the fear, the love.. it all helped me get where I am today.

I still talk to him every so often, mostly via email or text. He is getting ready to get married, and finding out about it (the day I started the first half of this journal) put a knot in my stomach. He is an amazing man, and deserves an amazing woman. And while I am so happy for him, I can't help but remember our first time.

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Comments:

kkbird
Nov. 1, 2010 at 7:50 PM

Beautiful...... very touching.....

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pair-...
Nov. 1, 2010 at 7:53 PM

I have shed a tear or two because this is so touching..I read part one when you first wrote it and I knew I  had to read this part-the suspense was killing me.I can say I love this, it reminds me of a man I was gonna marry when I was 18 and he was 25.I sometimes wonder what might have been.He is married now with a son and I have my ''HAPPILY EVER AFTER''.Thank you posting this..

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Chica...
Nov. 1, 2010 at 9:58 PM

Wow, it seems hard to believe that your 2nd could compare to the first.  I understand why you kept yourself anonymous though.  My husband is kind of snoopy too.  :)

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Chris...
Nov. 1, 2010 at 11:05 PM

this was worth the wait.i thought it was gonna turn out one way and it totally turned different.loved it!

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Gigan...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 12:25 AM

I'm sorry you have those small regrets. It was a wonderful story though!!!  

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Crash...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 12:26 AM

Thanks for sharing

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reign...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 2:24 AM

Damn. This was good. I playyed it like a movie in my head. Thanks for sharing.

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Tnamari
Nov. 2, 2010 at 8:44 AM

I really hope you continue writing....it is hard to find things that grab & KEEP my attention....

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dancer
Nov. 2, 2010 at 10:50 AM

That was very touching. I am glad u shared it.   thank u!

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Loris...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 10:56 AM

Awesome!! I LOVE reading/hearing stories like this. Kind of remind me of DH and I  :)

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