I just want it to stop. I can't take it anymore. I am so tired of dealing with this crap.

Ok, I know if I didn't post anonymously I would get more specific advice probably...but I honestly don't want anyone to know what is going on with me. My husband finally figured it out last night after 2 weeks of me dealing with this crap. He only figured it out because I broke down crying and had a really bad nightmare. I am tired of my triggers and having to fight off flashbacks. I am tired of having nightmares about it. And now I am tired of being tired. I barely slept last night and haven't slept well in 2 weeks. Why has this all started up now? I really have no clue since I was raped in January. That is usually when it gets this bad.

And before you say it, yes I see a therapist for a few things. However, the therapist that I had quit so I have to transfer to a new one. She is ok but when it comes to my rape issues I don't like her. She seems to think, or at least this is how she comes off, that I should be over it. That I shouldn't be having any problems related to it or really ever think about it or him. So it makes me not want to talk to her about it. I honestly canceled my appointment for tomorrow even though I could probably get my grandmother to babysit the kids because I don't want to see my therapist. I don't want to talk about this with her even though she should be the person I want to talk to. I dunno what to do.

I have even thought about going to my regular doctor and asking for an antidepressant. Now if you know me, which obviously you probably don't due to the anonymous posting, you know I HATE taking medicines. But I do realize I am really depressed right now due to this and our money troubles. And this is started to cause my physical pain. I know antidepressants don't really work unless you are severely depressed but at this point I will gladly take a placebo effect. But then I also have to have money for the doctor and the meds, which we don't.

God I hate this. I just want it to go away. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to acknowledge it right now. I just want it gone. Why won't it go away?


P.S. If you figure out who I am, please don't name me, just message me if you want to verify or talk in specific detail.

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Comments:

Madly...
Nov. 1, 2010 at 10:09 AM

I've been there.  I won't go into further detail here, but I have been there.  And I do know that it can and does get better. 

I'm just sorry that you're in such a bad place right now.  I wish there was something that I could do.  (((hugs)))

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sleep...
Nov. 1, 2010 at 10:28 AM

i guess once you figure out your triggers it is easier to control, and extra stress always brings the nightmares back, I hate meds too! I think that they made me dream more, just keep breathing and remember...it's only a dream and the worst is over!!

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Anonymous
Nov. 1, 2010 at 10:30 AM

My triggers move so it is very hard to control. One day my trigger may be touching my wrist, the next day it could be touching my thigh.

It's just been almost 6 years and last year was so easy. I want to go through that again (last year that is) instead of what I am this year.

Anonymous (Original Poster)

Chele...
Nov. 1, 2010 at 10:40 AM

I sooo know where you are right now... I have gone through this also.  It does get better with time.  I have been to the therapist and know what you mean and how you feel.  If you need to talk, I am a good listener.  Just remember, you are not alone!  If you need to talk just message me.  Best of luck!!!!!

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LuvMy...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 1:45 AM

Hi Hunny, I know you say you just want this to go away and not talk about it, However finding someone you can trust to talk to and cry and just get it out will help get you on the road of healing, you may need to talk talk talk but each time you do it will get a lil easier, Find a different therapist, Find a close friend Anyone that you can trust to just talk and cry talk and cry, I was raped several times as a young girl and my life has been difficult but i do find if i talk about it then i do feel better for a while, then i just talk somemore, it has really helped me a lot. So if you need to talk anytime Please feel free to get a hold of me I am a good listener and This wasnt your fault and your not alone...Good Luck Hunhugs

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forde...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 3:22 PM

i can't imagine what your going through! i'd try to find a therapist i felt confident in talking to about everything, i know that is hard, esp if your insurance only covers certain ones, etc. 

 

i'm sending you positive thoughts, and am praying for you dear! psalm 34:18 "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those whose spirits are crushed." matthew 11:28 "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and i will give you rest."

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