Melissa...'s Journal

Grief of Losing My Husband

Happy Halloween. The kids and I sent you Halloween balloons the other day. Hope you got them up in Heaven. We really missed you yesterday while we were Trick-or-Treating. Your mom, Beth, Luke, Rachel, and the kids came over, but it just wasn't the same without you. We all missed you, and your absence was felt strongly. I miss all of our funny costumes together, and the great Halloween parties we used to go to. It was one of those times of year that we really got to let loose and have a good time. Friends invited me out this year, but there's no way I was going without you. It would have been torture for sure.

Not just our family, but the ENTIRE family is lost without you. You were our calm headed leader, and no one really knows what to do without you here. The fights over the shop are continuing, and the stress everyone is under trying to figure out what to do with that place is unbelievable. I think we've finally decided for sure that we're going to close it down. No one can handle the pressure of running it, and in all honesty no one really knows how to do it. You had a way about running the business that no one else really understands, and I think trying to keep it open would just put us into a major debt. I feel bad for giving up your dream, but I'm no body shop owner, and I don't know the first thing about cars. Sorry babe, but the business has to go. We all tried, but I don't think there's any way to save it. I hope you're not disappointed in us.

The kids are doing pretty well. Drake remembers so many details about things he did with you, and he always has a story to share. It's funny how a 4 yr old remembers so much. Sissy's coming around. For awhile I was really worried about her, but I think she'll be ok. She's just dealing with thing in her own time. You would be proud of Damon. He's trying hard to help me with things, and stepping up to his place as an oldest child. He's working out his other problems, and I feel he's making a lot of progress.

It's been six weeks six you died, but sometimes I feel like it's been years. I miss you so much, and the pain doesn't get any better. Honestly, I'm pretty mad at God right now. I know he has his reasons, but I'm not seeing it, and I don't understand. Why take someone who is needed so badly? Why take a person who is such a great man and who is doing so much good in the world? I needed you a lot more then God ever could, and I want you back. I wish I could go to sleep, wake up, and have the last couple of months just be a really bad dream. What I wouldn't do to have my old life back. What I wouldn't do just to hold you in my arms one last time.

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Nov. 1, 2010 at 8:49 PM

im sorry

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Nov. 1, 2010 at 9:37 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss!!! I do know how you feel!! My 4yr and 3yr old lost their dad 9 months ago unexpectedly, it is still very hard at times.. It does get a little easier with time.. My prayers are with you and your children!

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Nov. 1, 2010 at 11:07 PM

Everytime I read your entry I ball my eyes out for you.  I can't imagine what you are going through and I am so sorry for you and your family.  Take care.

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Nov. 2, 2010 at 11:10 AM

simple frown I don't have words.

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Nov. 3, 2010 at 3:03 AM

It's okay to be angry at God ~ He can take it...He totally understands. Talk to Him about it.

I am praying for you and the kids. You are so much stronger than you realize.

PM me if you ever need to talk.



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