sleepymamaof3's Journal

Rants & Raves & A Lil B*tching

I love my husband dearly, but again I feel hurt. It may sound stupid but it just keeps happening. Anything house related I always end up disappointed. 

I didn't want to buy this house, I wanted to wait to get my credit better so we would get a better cost. Well, he said no; disappointed. We were looking at one family homes, larger ones, and I was happy, then he said no, it has to be multi-family bc his brothers gf refused to move unless it was. Disappointed. We bought this house, I did not get to decide where to live on the property, I wanted the garage, larger rooms, larger space, only down side was there are no windows. One in the upstairs bedroom and one in the parlor, nothing downstairs. Not a huge issue for me bc the space was bigger. He said no, we are taking the 1st floor apartment. Disappointed. Then a couple of years later we put a deposit on a one family house, Happy. Then even though we could afford it and we got the deposit back. Disappointed. We were going to sell this house and buy a cheaper multifamily house in a nicer area. He said yes, we put a deposit on it. Happy. He says, no now, we need to keep this one because it brings in more money. Disappointed. He says we can save and buy a one family home cheap in a few years. Then says no, we will build just a little extension to give us the extra space we need, because he doesn't want to buy a one family house, that would be taking money away from the boys college one day. 

He is all about money. Not happiness. He is happy here, is fine. I'm not. I hate him right now. I am sick of always being disappointed. I don't get a say in anything. When he says yes, I am so happy, then he always rips it away from me because he would rather save the money, and I am always crushed. I understand we need to have money for the boys college, but honestly, can't I be a little happy???? He says this is where we will stay forever. Honestly that p*sses me off so much, all I want to do is cry. I am pushing him away the last few days. I don't want to be close to him or intimate bc I am so frustrated. 

I am all for saving money, which is why I finally made myself realize that he will never get us a one family house like he used to say we would have. But I think he is being ridiculous, but oh well. This is the way it has to be. Nothing else is this way. Nothing with the cars, kids, etc, just the house. The other house would have been a compramise. I hate this house, it's tiny. And he wouldn't add an addition for at least 3 years. It has 2 bedrooms, the 3 boys - 4, 2, 1 - share 1 room. The parlor is tiny. THe kitchen and bathroom are fine. I hate that there is no grass, there is a large driveway full of cars so no real space to play there. He says that's why there are parks. Come on, anyone with several little kids knows its hard to go to a park. THey are crowded and they all want to go in different directions and he works a lot more than i do so he is never around to go with me, it's me alone, and I have no friends, no realitizes close by to go with me, I am literally all alone. 

To top it off, I am so jealous of my sister right now. They put a deposit on a 1 family house with 3 bedrooms, double parlor, sunroom, porch, yard. Everything I want. They aren't being smart, they live in an apartment right now and barely have any extra money, now they will have much less extra money. But as long as they can pay their bills, I'm happy for them. But that's all I want. 

Apparently, I am going to always live in a house that I will never be happy in, and I don't get a say in it. He has made that quite clear. All I know is, I will never let myself become excited over anything he says again, I'll wait to it actually happens, because I can't take constantly being disappointed. 

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