Lost in Thought...

Random rants from a SAHM Mom

I know that you blame me for all the problems and arguments we have. I am aware that I have a mental illness that affects me, you and our boys. I am also aware that you think I use it as an excuse to be "unlovable" and "lazy." I don't think you are aware that your habit of making me feel like it's my fault that I'm sick is making me feel worse. Presently, since we don't have insurance, I haven't had any medicine for months. You know that I can't get any help from state services because you have a job and we are over the income limit. There is nothing I can do besides ask for a little understanding from YOU. I do not enjoy feeling like this every day. I wish I could be the wife and woman you want me to be. I'm sorry I am such a disappointment to you, but being hateful to me and/or ignoring me is not helping. I feel bad about you having to deal with me. So bad, in fact, that I've thought about divorce several times just so you can find some one that isn't as damaged as I am. Some one that will make you happy. I don't want to do that. I want to be a good woman, wife and mother. Right now, it's all I can do to be a good mother. I need help with the house right now. I need help with the kids some times, especially now. I've told you every single year that the holidays are a trigger for me. I stay anxious this time of year. I can do nothing to help that except try to avoid situations that make it worse. Unfortunately, I can't stay away from you griping at me non-stop. Please, try to understand that I don't try to make you mad. I wish you could be in my shoes for a few days, so you would know how alone and depressed I feel. I wish you knew how much it hurts me when you get mad at me for some thing I cannot control. I feel so helpless.

Your Wife

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Nov. 1, 2010 at 10:35 PM

You mean it is an illness to get anxious around the holidays?  Just wondering cause I thought most people did.

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Nov. 1, 2010 at 10:49 PM

No, not at all. I am bipolar and have OCD...the holidays are one of many triggers for me, meaning that it's some thing that can make me get manic or depressed. Every one that is bipolar has triggers.

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