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Written In The Stars

Stories by Amorentia & shtteredprincess

Sara POV

My toes sunk into the grass at the base of the willow tree, the breeze lifting its crying branches in a tangled dance around me as the misty rain dropped scattered tears on the ground below.  My fingers traced the grooves on it's trunk as my mind toyed over words of wisdom often repeated in my head.  Storms make tree's grow deeper roots.  It was here, in my home in Tennessee, that the roots of my life had found a safe haven to take ground and it was here that I began the day of the toughest storm I'd ever had to face.  Today, we would lay our daughter to rest.

In the distance, I could hear J and my dad with the kids, glad Kelsey was staying with them for the day.  Over the last few days, we'd taken our time walking the kids through their goodbye's, helping them come to terms with loss of our Grace.  We'd placed the cards they made on a poster board that we filled with all the idea's our family could come up with about the things we'd wanted to do with her, everything from Brailee's desire to do bedtime stories to Ember's hope of playing babies with her baby.  All of it was there and would be on a stand beside her casket, her brother and sisters own goodbye to the baby girl who barely entered the world.  J and I had taken them with us to pick out flowers, letting them each pick a spray as a gift to their sister, Talon's firetruck of love just as heartfelt as any other wreath we would place as her grave site. 

The details of burying someone, anyone, were something I really knew nothing of until this week.  Now, I felt like I'd had a crash course in something no person should have to deal with in the depth of such sorrow and overwhelming heartbreak.  Picking out caskets that were too tiny to even want to think about, planning locations, trying to breath through the thought of passages to read and songs that should be sang, quickly I'd settled on wanting something simple.  There was just no way I could sit through one after another of verses and speakers talking about all we'd lost.  Just getting through the moments in my mind was hard enough, already I felt cracks in places I couldn't heal.  J and I agreed, this wasn't one of those things where bigger was better.  What mattered was the love and the letting go.  Those would be there no matter how many songs we sang.

Finding the stone that would forever mark our daughters place in the world, J and I wanted something that said more than she was here.  Seeing the tiny cherub holding the heart in the palms of her hands, we knew we'd found the perfect guardian for our angel.  But the words to explain everything she was without having the chance to be felt like yet another impossible task.  It wasn't until we'd taken the kids to have the hands of our family molded into the only heart of hers that we could touch that it came to us.  Brails was in the backseat, entertaining us all with songs from her ipod when the tune came on that made our hearts catch and our breaths skip a beat.  Halo.  Our Saving Grace.  Fingers locked together, we'd parked, knowing now the answer to the question we'd been struggling to find.  It fit perfectly, her phase surrounded by our hands always entwined in memory of the angel who would now watch our hearts.

And this morning...my fingers curved around the curl of my hair, thinking over our early morning wake up, my dad apparating us out to the house in Tennessee since my wand was still on lock down.  We'd brought the kids to the field we'd spent our first day as family to say their final goodbye.  I'd thought at first, to do it like I'd suggested with Justin, putting our message in boats that we would float out in the water, a visual goodbye the kids could find closure in.  But I'd underestimated the thought process of my first born who'd quickly deduced that I told her her sister was in Heaven.  Heaven was up.  "So how is she gonna see it mommy?" she'd asked with her hands on her hips and an expression far too much like my own.  So, it had been back to the drawing board for me.  A little researching had brought me to balloons.  And the balloons had brought us here.

Each grasping a sphere filled with helium and tinted in their favorite color, we'd come out onto the grass, Talon and Ember shaking their balloons to hear their messages rattle like maraca's inside.  Brails had checked the bottom of each to make sure Grace's name was on them so no other Angel would take her letters of love.  We'd made them the night before, all message's our hearts wanted to whisper in the ear of the baby we couldn't.  Talon had a simple "I love you"  while Embers rattled off a list of toys she was determined they would one day share.  Brails had made her a picture of the bear she got her and asked her to tell Baba that she missed him too.  By the time I got to reading J's, I was already in tears.

Gracie,

Daddy's precious little girl. As soon as I knew you were there I knew that when you grew up you would be as strong, brave, and beautiful as the women in our family: You're Mother, Auntie Peni, and Big Mama. You proved me wrong. Not even born you already were just as brave, strong, and beautiful with a loving heart full of sacrifice like them. Thank you for giving your Mama back to your Brothers and Sisters. We'll forever be grateful to you, and love you always.

Papa J.

My own, my own felt like it had taken ages.

My Angel,

I'm sitting here on my swing, trying to think of how to say a final goodbye to you and knowing no words I use will ever do that.  I will never let go of you.  Forever and always, your image will live in my mind, the sound of giggle will play in my heart, and the sight of your smile will light the darkness that so often over rules me.  You were my miracle and miracles never really die.  Sometimes they just fall out of reach.  But I know your there.  I know somewhere in the sands of time in some where and when, your thriving.  Your playing.  There's a sparkle in your eye and smile on your face.  When I close my eyes, I can see it.  I can face eternity knowing somewhere out there, is that.  So wherever you are and whatever game your playing, know I'm here too.  That I love you.  I will always love you.

Mommy

One by one, we'd said goodbye, letting go of each balloon and watching it fade away in the clouds above.  Seeing them soar to meet the spirit in orbit somewhere overhead before we walked back to the house, the kids going to play, the grown ups attempting to breath, knowing for us there was more to come.  That more, just the idea, was why I was beneath the tree right now, finding my roots, my strength, feeling the ground beneath my feet fortify me for the moments ahead.  Because you can't hide.  Life finds you.  And so does death.

"Sara?" I turned at the sound of my name, seeing the strain on my husbands face.  It was time.  Time for the goodbye's that never seemed to end.

Nodding softly, I reached out to grasp his hand, bending long enough to pick up the just right shoe's that went with the just right dress to compliment the just right hair for a moment that was just wrong.  "I'm ready"

Peni POV
 
"Peni, I can't put the shadow on your eyes when you squeeze them like that. Relax." Tori was exercising a lot more patience with me than she usually had. I teased it was because I was letting her do her favorite thing - a makeover. Really it had more to do with being a delicate situation. My normal wardrobe consisted of tank tops, shorts, and sun dresses. There was only so long I could borrow long sleeved, warm clothes from Sara or my Mom. Because Sara was busy with the Funeral, and I was not up to going out... and Tori declared I have the fashion sense of a slug, Tori did the shopping for me. Expertly she put together a wardrobe of Peni chic. According to her, Peni chic was comfortable, warm clothing that was easy on, easy off, but still with in the Tori standard of trendy. For example, today for the funeral I was wearing some insulated black pants with a comfortable cotton black long sleeves shirt under a really soft grey sweater. Why grey? Black brought out too much of the yellow in my jaundiced skin.

"It's all about balancing the color of your complexion. Different colors can help balance the imperfections," Tori explained. The same went for my makeup. She bought an entire corrective make set for me. Marcus made sure it was all non-toxic, and approved by Ewan. Using subtle counter shades, we were able to balance out changes in my completion.
 
For someone who never cared much about their appearance, I found myself feeling very self conscious most of the time now. It's not like I wanted to look beautiful. I just didn't want to look sick. It's one thing when you have to tell someone, "Yes, I'm dealing with an illness." It is an entire other when just by looking at you they say, "Oh, my, you like on the brink of death." That invokes the, "Thank you very much," that no one really means. Today our entire family, along with what seemed like half the Rez, were all coming together to honor Grace at her burial. No one needed any more reminders of mortality. I did not want to walk in there like the walking billboard for death.
 
Like a true Sister, Tori agreed to come help me navigate the bags of foundations, powders, and different hair products that were supposed to give my hair the volume, luster, and shine it was missing. Really what she determined was, "I'll do it for you. Gawd knows, you'll end up just throwing gloss on and throw your hair up in a mess of a nest..."
 
By the time she was finished, I could actually see me in the mirror. For the first time in days I saw myself - Peni smiling back at me. I actually looked better than usual, I looked really pretty. Give the girl a makeup brush and some hair care products, and Tori could work miracles.
 
"Don't you dare cry, do you hear me?" Tori argues with me in the mirror. "Your makeup hasn't set yet. If you start crying it all off now before the funeral even starts, I will be furious with you."
 
Nodding, I turned to hug her. I never knew if anyone every appreciated the help I gave them. That's not why I gave it, so I didn't really care. For me, every act of service like this was the deepest form of love that ministered to the depths of my soul.
 
Tori sighed with frustration in my arms, "This is where you threaten that if I get furious, you're going to have Marcus shave me bald." Her attempt to deflect the moment was clear, "Come on, Peni. Don't lose your edge."
 
Hadn't I already lost my edge? So many questions created so many battles constantly raging in my mind. Every different moment depended on which side was winning. On a day like today that was already heavy with sadness, the down side already had advantage on the home field. Through the day my minds played over the moments I had to pull my Niece from the life of Sara's body, to the death that awaited it outside. I could see it like we were there again the moments of her death. Somewhere in the memories of her peaceful face after she died, my own face began to blur in. The question would roll around in my head: Am I going to be the next meeting my Niece in the after lfe? Will the next time everyone be gathering for a funeral, will it be mine? For all that I wasn't ready to bring my Niece out to her death, I also wasn't ready to die.
 
Like it had so often over the last several days, the thinking brought my mind to Sara. If today had me so down, I could only imagine what it was like for Sara and my Brother. There wasn't much I could do for them. No one could refill a loss as deep as a child. What I could do for them, I was. Phone in hand, everything for today was coming together like it should. From my phone I was working with everyone who volunteered to help coordinate between the lodge where our family traveling in was saying, the burial sight, the river where our Quileute family was going to do a little traditional send off, and the community center where the reception was being held. That's what I could do. I could make sure this event with as smoothly and as easily as possible for my Brother and Sister in Spirit. So had I lost my edge? Yeah, some of it. But what I had, I intended to use.

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Nov. 1, 2010 at 9:43 PM

Sara Black written by shtteredprncess. Peni Clearwater and kids written by Amorentia. Marcus Flint written by shtteredprncess. Jalil Clearwater written by Amorentia Tori "Little Bit" Young written by Amorentia.

Comments are welcome! Please PM shtteredprnces or join TTLG HERE.

Want to read more? What to join in the Creative Writing fun? Our full stories are in the RPG writing group Through The Looking Glass. Link HERE to join as a reader or writer.

 

With all respect, we pay homage to the brilliance of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Series and JK Rowling's Harry Potter series with the Characters we borrow for this ongoing Fan Fiction. Thank you!

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