Since its safe to type here, and I don't have anyone to talk to at home. I need to vent a little. And my way of venting is writing things down so they don't stay bottled up inside.

I'm sure u ladies will read this, and I'm sure u will have some choice words for me, and to hear some ones opinion that isn't involved in the matter is WELCOMED..........



I've been with my husband for 8 years. We met online, 2 months after our first chat he moved me in, 3 months later I was pregnant. 4 years ago we married. last year had our second son. 

I know all relationships aren't peaches and cream, all couples fight and argue. With us it does feel like there was never a moment of peace. I try to tell DH that he needs to keep in mind that for 10 months I was PG and hormones are crazy and then 4 months after birth ,hormones are still trying to get to normal.  DH wont listen to that.

Fast forward to now,,,,

DH and I moved 3 hours away from family and friends (mostly mine) to his home town, Charleston,SC. He has been asking to move back hear since day one of our relationship and I finally said lets go 3 months ago. 

IT took me a long while prolly a month to get comfortable hear and not be so moody. I'm still trying to find my way around. 

Any who DH and I have been fighting a lot and for the past 2 years it seems to be over stupid shit, like money and the house. 

So when I said lets move, I made it clear it was for us to have a new start, a fresh start. And he was getting a REALLY good paying job. 

Coming here, was okay I had a friend, well she was my DH cousin's girlfriend and I liked her at first. 

She would complain about her DH and tell me to cover for her in lies. and I would complain about my DH. I didn't need a cover story since I tell DH everything.

A month after being here I finally saw how messed up this girl was. lets call her D. 

D has problems. She goes to doctors here tells them what meds she wants and they give it to her, and these meds don't help her. She claims to have anxiety problems and back pain after last c-section. She acts like my SIL and My SIL is bi-polar ( the worse stage of it). Finally I couldn't take it any longer, the thinking the world and every one in it is out to hurt u, the little things I say she takes the wrong way, the u need to do what I say,when I say and how I say it crap, treating me like one of her kids, ( and I am older then her). Constantly asking me for favors and never doing one for me, the take take take and never give shit got on my nerves, and I cussed her out , and walked away. 

Well I had forgotten about some things I vented with her on about my DH and while I was gone back to visit my family she and her BF told my DH what I had said and made things up while talking to him. I don't know what all he believed but he said this was the last straw for him, it really upset my DH.

for 4 days DH wouldn't speak to me or look at me. Finally he spoke and it wasn't what I expected to hear or wanted to hear. He said I WANT A SEPARATION. and I lost it. I really haven't stopped crying yet and its been 3 weeks now.

He said he knows I haven't had a affair, so he didn't for once believe that. But me saying maybe I should leave and just call it quits did. 

Look after months and months of fighting, him never wanting to spend time with me, sex life is once every 4 months, him not wanting to spend time with the kids, not helping me with the kids, making a mess and expecting me to clean after him, waking me up to ask for his clothes  instead of looking. I even make sure they are laid out so he knows and he still does it, and all the other little things got on my nerves I just couldn't take it any more, and I did say that, I also said the weekend trip back to my parents , was a trip I was taking to clear my head, to get a break and think really hard what I want and need. and I told him to do that same. 

So why is that bothering him so much. Would he rather me cuss him out and vent to him on this , and knowing it will keep us fighting, he wont see my point of view, wont take blame, turn it around on me being the bad guy and him being innoscent. No I didn't want to do that , I turn to some one I thought I could trust. I didn't know she would do that.

I didn't call her BF and tell him things she did or said. I'm not in high school any more. I am not playing childish games. 

Yes I told him all this. But still he wouldn't listen.

Said he knows he is a selfish person, a negative person, and etc. and I'm not. I love with all my being, I give and give and I hardly take a thing. He thinks we may have rushed things and actually aren't meant for each other.

He says lets slow it down, take a break maybe a 3 month or 6 month break. That I didn't have to leave my home, it was my choice. but if I did, to promise not to run off with the boys and him not able to see them. That I need to work on me. ( I turned into a screamer.. Need to find out why I do that and fix it). and he needs to work on himself and then we will work on each other and see if we can have a future, that right now he doesn't see one for us, and he doesn't want to keep fighting in another 8 years. That when he was in Charleston for 4 days getting things rdy for us, was the happiest time he has had in 8 years and he realized it was b/c I wasn't there with him. That he is tired of getting off work and having the dread of oh no I have to go home now. and that he doesn't know how to pay a bill, that I always do it and if I died tomorrow that he would be screwed. And that since I haven't work in a while I would be screwed if he died, since I would have no way to pay the bills. basically thats the run down of the convo.

I didn't scream ( I wanted to). I cried though. and started shaking. I told him what I wanted and needed and I disagree with him, and told him u may be separarted from me but I am not of u.This isn't what I wanted. He kept saying I think u do, I got annoyed with him telling me he knows what I want and think when he isn't me or in my head so how could he. But I didn't scream or get a attitude. I stayed calm.

I told him lets not do this, we keep saying we will work on what each other has a problem with and we never do. We aren't motivated to do so. Lets promise to really try and do so and if we do and things go good then we can celebrate our Ann. in April like planned if not then b4 then we can walk away. but I dont want to walk away unless I know for sure I tried my hardest to make it work. did everything possible and so have u. lets sleep on this and talk about it tomorrow. well that never happen. and then 2 days ago he said we will talk about it again after the holidays.

Mean while I am still acting like nothing happen, I have to so I don't loose it in front of the boys. I still say I love u, I still act and do like I always do. Except I don't scream. I go to the potty to do that,( with shower running) And I have maintain the house work. Even if I'm sick as a dog I get up and do it. I never kept it dirty, but I would let the dishes stay in sink til next day , things little like that. I didn't know annoyed him, and now I don't do that anymore. I always wore my hair in pony tails and no make up and now I don't. My hair is down and fixed , make up on. I have been doing the things he claims annoyed him. And trying really hard to make this work. I can't say the same for him. He has spent more time with the boys, and more willing to help when asked. Spending time with me NOPE... I still say I love you, still give him hugs and kisses, still call me my sexy baby. Still sleep in our bed with him, (though I was suppose to start sleeping else where).  He still stays on his pc or phone texting til 2 am knowing he has to be up by 5:45 to get rdy to leave for work. and I am blocked from accessing his phone. Dont know the puzzle code to unlock his phone and he wont tell me. 

OF all this, here is the one thing I will get chewed for. I still will have sex with him. When he makes the move and I know that what he wants I don't say no. I am still in the mind set of damn if I do. He isn't in the mood when I am and sometimes I am not when he is, but since it was like once every 3-4 months when having sex. I don't say no. I crave his affection and touch. so I am always willing .

Now since the whole "separation talk" its been like every 3-4 days. in the last 3 weeks of this shit going on. Still no kisses from him, no I love u unless I say it. but he still wants me in the way of sex. GO figure. 

But afterwards, I excuse myself to the potty and I cry. I feel dirty. I feel like a whore. I can't get the man to love me again like he did. but I can get sex the way I want, when I want, and the length of time I want. I realized this Sat. after it happen. That I feel the way I do after it happens. and I know I need to stop, that I can say no, but when he kisses my neck ( thats the move he always makes) I can't resist. I melt. and for the time it happens I don't think of the fight and the fact we aren't really in a since together. 

SO that has me confused. How can u still have sex with me, and be passionate with me, and then get up and act like it never happen. GO back to ignoring me and treating me like a stranger. Give me the cold shoulder???

Why am I so stupid and allowing this? Its not b/c of the kids. I don't need him for that. He will always be their father. I want him b/c I love him, and him alone. Not just the him whose my baby daddy. But still Why???? I have no answers for my questions. 

I feel as though he is cheating b/c of his actions,but then again, his actions could be b/c of the situation. IDK .... I honestly and really don't know. 

Why make this prolong any more? Why say after the holidays? IF u want out just say so.... My birthday is in 2 days, that is gonna be shitty. Then Christmas. Just tell me u want out. IF u want me to stay here til after Christmas so u can see the boys that morning fine. I can do that. And it will give me 2 months to get things in order and a place located for us to stay. 

I'm a idiot and I know it, but I do love this man.

and I am dieing inside, the not knowing is killing me. If there is a chance for us to fix this and get back on track. I don't want to up and leave and ruin it. but I don't want to live in 24-7 heart ache either.

Okay its all out and said now, I feel a little better but not much. and if I keep typing I will cry.

Later

Thanks for listening.

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Comments:

BlueO...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 12:28 PM Hey hun, if you ever want to talk, Iam a great listener!

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phoen...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 1:02 PM

Big hug and fingers crossed for you.  You have so much going on...the dynamics of your relationship keep changing and even more so now in the last couple of months. 

Moves are so difficult.  You might not be giving each other enough credit for that.  Its not just the not being able to find the coffee mugs in the place where the coffee mugs have always been, its the deep uprooting of not being able to take a break and catch up with a friend, or even go out to run some errands without the added stress and frustration of getting lost. 

You've had your life turned upside down and you should be unpacking and learning yoru way around and sharing the excitement of reconnecting to his hometown.  Instead you're dealing with the betrayal of his cuz's GF and the rift she put between you two and facing the threat of losing even more.  How awful!

Perhaps a pastor, priest, therapist, support group, vacation package....someone, something, to get away and get some air?

 

 

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cuten...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 1:04 PM

can I give you some advice. This sounds like my life in a way. But you seem to handle it better than I did. I know jobs are scarce but get one. You need your own income. You NEED to standon your own two feet. I have learned that when I look insecure and desparate to my Husband then that is when he turned his back on me. Learn to respect yourself again. He does not define you. YOu do. And don't be blind. I went through my Husband having another woman as a champion. Not physical but that was enough. It is so hard but you have to find the strength. Pray that things get better. Get up everyday like you have a job. Workout. Have a positive routine. And say no. I know that is the only affection you get but he knows thats. And your not stupid. You both came into the relationship together it's not just you. I sometimes still feel and think my Husband stayed for the kids. We are good now. It took many years but like you I didn't give up. I wouldn't quite my family. Stay strong.

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ginab...
Nov. 2, 2010 at 1:13 PM

Hope it get better for you.

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daye62
Nov. 2, 2010 at 5:59 PM

I agree with cuteness13983,except for I would stop doing all of the little extras that we women do for our men.Now of course the house has to be kept minimally clean and the kids cared for,but gone would be the special desserts,coffee waiting in the morning.I would be pleasant and I would be faithful and I would be committed and all the basics would be done,but everything else I had,emotionally,physically,financially,would be focused on me and preparing for the possibility of being on my own in 2 short months.Good luck.

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logie...
Nov. 3, 2010 at 1:16 AM

Thank you ladies for not bashing me.  I have started looking for a job, and after not working for 4 years it is hard to get some one to hire me. But I am looking. I have started a routine with my youngest, now that I got a stroller we go for afternoon walks b4 getting big brother from school. and any income I get I save. I have a saving account DH knows nothing about. I tried to quit the little things like packing his lunch & making sure coffee is rdy in the mornings and I get cussed out. He knows I don't start dinner until he calls when he is out so it will be hot when he gets home and I am getting chewed b/c of it now. So that has changed. I start it when I am hungry and if its cold when he shows up oh well. I have learned the new town. and I get out and drive around when I have gas to do so to keep learning things. I know this place better then him. I've applied for section 8. in case the divorce happens, I can be on a list waiting for a home type thing. Tax season I'm getting my own car. I'm slowly pulling away but not too much to give a sign that I gave up when I haven't type thing. and I stay awake until he starts snoring to try and avoid the whole sex thing and so far he hasn't tried.

I don't depend on him. I have his bank card, I hold all money. He has to come to me and ask me if we can afford this or that. I feel more like he depends on me then I depend on him, true if he wasn't working I would not need to be the family bank. But I can always go home to my parents and live like a child there, he has no where to go. No one to live with for a while. 

I feel he fails to realize this. When our oldest was 3 months old he had a emotional affair, I forgave him and went on to marry him. I moved away from all I know and all I love for him, I have changed my hair for him, I take care of the house, kids, errands, bills, and etc. all he does is cook thanksgiving. I have done more for him and us , then he has. 

I shouldn't be treated like this, but I made my bed and now I must lie in it, but when is enough enough. 

True I don't want to leave b/c I do really do love him, and I'm sry for the things  I have done. I don't need to be with him for the kids, he is already a part time daddy so why would change there? I'm in this b/c I choose to. not b/c I have to. 

I think after him being married for 10 yrs. divorcing , getting with me 4 months after the split. Finalized divorce a month before our oldest was born, put into a quickly made family setting. Having grown up with his mom getting married5 times his dad 4 times, was a lot for him and now he is pushing 40 and feels stuck in a since. Like he hasn't had any HIM time. he didn't really play the field , he went from one woman to another and no in between and he is regretting it in a way. 

Though he says that isn't it, I think other wise.

I will keep u all posted . Fingers crossed that I can save us. and be a happy family again.

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