Melissa...'s Journal

Grief of Losing My Husband

I'm starting to wonder if it will ever go away. This constant unbearable sadness. This feeling of complete and utter despair. This huge lump in my throat and sickness in my stomach that never leave me. I just miss you so much. There are no words to describe how much I miss you.

When we were married we became one, now I feel as if I've been chopped in half and sent on to live the rest of my life. I don't even want to be on this earth without you. All I want is for our entire family to be together again. The way it's supposed to be. The way it was before you died and left me here alone.

How am I going to do this myself? How am I going to raise our kids alone? How am I going to live the rest of my life day after day with this huge void that you left? Some days I just don't think I can do it.  We were a team. Partners. You were always the leader. The strong one. Now that job is left to me? I'm no leader. I don't make great decisions, and I don't have half the strength you had.

I just feel so weak, alone, and deserted right now. I know I need to suck it in and go on, but sometimes I just feel like I can't do it. I miss my best friend. I'm not good at this. The only thing I was ever good at was being your wife. Now that I'm not a wife anymore I don't even know who I'm supposed to be. All I know is that I don't want to be me anymore, and I don't want to be here.

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Nov. 4, 2010 at 11:17 AM

I'm sorry for your loss mamma. This must be so difficult for you. ((hugs))

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Nov. 4, 2010 at 11:58 AM

I'm so sorry Melissa, I know exactly how you feel.  I have the same feelings after a year, wondering if the heartache will ever go away but I would like to say something and that is, you might not be a wife anymore but you are still a mother and you must try and gain your strength from that.  Your kids need you more now than ever and for them you will go on and you will find the strength to get by.  You think you can't do the job alone but just being there for them is all you need to do, the rest will come naturally.  Tim might have been the leader but a mother is the core of every family and your title of 'mother' still stands.  You will find that despite your feelings of desperation, you will do it and you will go on as your kids will be your incentive.  I hope in time by engrossing yourself in caring for them, interacting with them and doing things with them, the pain you feeling will be less.  Praying for your peace and light.... HUGS xox

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