I decided I wanted to journal this pregnancy... and how I am feeling through each week, or month... or just whenever.

This is from 10/31

10/31, Halloween

Well, I've missed my period.  It's actually 5 days late.  Not sure how I feel about this, really.  Today, Jesse asked me to run to the store and get milk... and instead of going to the nearest gas station to grab a gallon right quick, I went 10 minutes out of the way to Dollar General.  I knew I could pick up a pregnancy test for $1... so I did.  When I got home, I pulled Jesse aside, and told him "I know things have been really crazy, with me starting this new job and all... but I missed my period."  One hell of a "happy anniversary" wasn't it?  He said "Have you tested?" I said "No, but I'm going to right now..." and I did.  Immediately there were 2 lines.  Holy crap.  I don't FEEL different, pregnant.  Is it real?  God, we don't need another kid right now... I had actually come to terms with Ben (DS3) being our last child.  Jesse had been trying to see how much a vasectomy would cost with his insurance.  What are we going to do with another child??  I don't like being pregnant... I feel sick the whole time, everything hurts... I had just started a diet and exercise routine to get rid of the weight I had packed on while on the Depo shot.... I JUST started a new job (early Oct), where I am on my feet constantly, carrying heavy trays of food at shoulder level... When I'm not working, I'm chasing after 3, that's right, THREE rowdy boys ages 7, almost 3, and 1.5. 

I guess it's a good thing I didn't sell the crib on Craigslist, huh? 

Oh God... how am I going to tell my family?  His family?  I know that because of the fact that we are just now starting to get straightened out financially, the news will be met with dissappointment, criticism, and snide remarks.What are we thinking, having four children?  Three is a nice, average number... but FOUR??? 

I am feeling angry... sad... confused, and slightly distraught. 

I dont know if I CAN get excited about this pregnancy.  I don't know if I want to be.

**Will be adding journal 2 soon**


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