Today was Dillon's elibility conference for special education pre-school. They went over the assessment results with me for each assessment that they did. It was very hard, as a parent, to see that my three year old son is developmentally around the age of an 18-24 month old. I know it is irrational to blame myself, but I cannot help to feel that I some how have failed him.

After we went over the assessments, I signed a paper stating that he was accepted into the program for said reasons. It was a relief that he was accepted, but very overwhelming. After that we made his iep (individualized education plan) for pre-school this coming year. Basically, what we did was set goals for Dillon and his development and then set time frames as to when we had wanted to try to make sure he achieves those goals by. Everything sounds great other than him eating lunch in the large cafeteria with sped and non-sped students. Dillon has the shortest attention span the majority of the time and when there are too many people he cannot focus. Our old ot therapist was at the meeting also since our care coordinator could not make it and she brought up concern about the cafeteria before I mentioned it. With such a large room and so many children, he will not want to eat. Plus he will need to be in a high chair or some kind of restrained chair and he back bangs very hard on top of that. So they would need to make sure that he is being watched closely because he can easily tip over in the high chair from the banging and he also over-stuffs his mouth some times. Add that to the back banging while eating and there has even been times here at home that he's come close to tipping over the chair (once he did but he was just sitting on the normal chair and wasn't hurt) and he has choked/gagged many times from over-stuffing and banging. So that makes me very uneasy, because it's a safety issue. I know how he is. They don't.

It has been such an emotional day because of all of this. I know this is a good thing for him, he needs it and will benefit greatly from it. But it is so overwhelming for me. I spend every day, all day with him. To go from that, to only afternoons and evenings on the weekdays will be such a huge change. Not to mention it makes me really upset that I won't be there to see the new things he is learning and doing at school. I've never missed anything new he's done or said and now I will. I think that probably upsets me the most out of it all. Plus I know he won't even bat an eye in my direction when I drop him off in the mornings. Of course I'll be bawling my eyes out when I walk out of the doors...hopefully when the time comes it's not as bad as I feel like it's going to be.

I just wish someone could understand how this is all affecting me. Hearing that it will be ok and Dillon will be fine is something I already know, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. My baby boy going to school doesn't only affect him, it affects our entire family. I just really hope it goes much smoother than it feels right now.

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Comments:

ander...
Nov. 5, 2010 at 11:54 AM

I don't completely understand what you are going through with Dillon .. but I understand about not having them around anymore. It's hard. You will be sad. Only time will make it easier!  I can't even leave my kids at their classrooms at church without feeling sad!

I'm here to talk if you need me :)

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nikol...
Nov. 5, 2010 at 9:08 PM

I am sorry,,,,I also don't understand what you are going through but I do know it will get better,,,,

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