After having been through a crappy 2009...losing a baby to Uterine Cancer (then I had to have a full hysterectomy), then my husband called me a "small-chested, barren c*nt" and threw me out for losing the baby and divorced me, just to name a few of the horrible events of 2009...I wasn't sure if I wanted to live anymore.
  I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say but it's totally the way I felt.
  I was homeless...husband-less, baby-less and missing my old life (as pathetic and abusive as it was, it was all I had and knew), missing my step-son, and missing most of my property.  I had lost most of my belongings to him on top of it all.

  Due to my disability (being on SSI/DI) I've always equated my self-worth with my ability to run a beautiful, although modest home.  My ability to make my son and husband happy and have my home look inviting have always been my focal points.  When my man isn't happy I feel unstable and completely out-of-balance, continuously asking myself "how can I please him?".  Even in my new relationship (which is by far my most-healthiest and HAPPIEST one!) I am still like that.  I know it's not a healthy state-of-mind but I always fall into it!

    The fact that my marriage "failed" really took a toll on my mind and self-esteem.
  Mostly because I did my damnedest to make that "man" happy.
  He was a volitale person and mentally unstable, so I KNOW that there NEVER would have been any true pleasing him.  He needed professional help...still does from what I understand.  (His last girl-friend left him due to many of the same issues that I had with him!) 
    So WHY do I still want to be friends with him???  Why do I talk to him on Facebook occasionally???  Why does he share his problems with me and I strive to provide answers for him?!
  My own behaviour pisses me off!

    My new life in Fifield, Wi is the best I've ever had.  I desperately needed a change.  It's 450 miles from my home area and the farthest I've ever lived from home.  My boyfriend convinced me that the move would be good for me and over-all it has been both good for me and most importantly, my son!  Although I don't have any friends here (yet) and Ben does, I'm still happy.  I FEEL like I'm "home" for the first time in my life.  I've felt this way right since moving here almost 4 months ago!  The only time I really miss my home area is when I need to go shopping or I want fast food.  This is due to the fact that Fifield is a little unincorporated town in Northern Wisconsin and the closest Wal-Mart is an hour away and the nearest McDonalds is about 45 minutes away and everything closes early!!  
Then I really miss city life!  Thankfully though Pamida is only 4 miles away.  

    Since being happier, I've been happily able to work on my online shops (* &* ) and put more of my heart into it.  The other online shops I have have taken a bit of a backseat while I focus my main energy on these two shops...once they get busy I will turn to the other ones! 
  I've been doing more advertising and making more products. 
  I'm hoping the result of all my efforts will be a flourish in sales!!

    I feel like since I am sooo happy that something will rain on my little parade and crush my heart.  I am praying to Jesus that doesn't happen...yet again. <3

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