So yesterday was not really a great day. Went to school and had my parenting class. Usually there's like 13girls in this class so I try to keep to myself and stay very quiet....... Well anyways, there was me and four other 5 other girls in this class yesterday, and we had made goals for certain things.
Goals for my child Now_______ Next Year________ 5yrs From Now________
my education Now_______ Next Year_________ 5yrs_________
living situation ________
self developement (trusting others/self, controlling emotions, letting go of stupid things...things like that)____________
and a few more others.... Well all in all that was fun and I have learned a lot about goals. When I was in 7th grade I remember asking someone what is a goal I am able to make for myself. I am still young and don't know much about my life and hardly anything about the world. Since my son who is now 2yrs old was born, I have learned a great deal about what a goal is, how to succeed that goal and how to feel good about accomplishing something important to me and important to my son.
After the goals we did this activity where there were a bunch of folded slips of paper in a not too small but not a biggish box. We each had to grab one and read what it said and talk about it. Then each one of the girls would talk about it as well.. Mine said "are you a moody person? what are your moods like" Well what female isnt moody? Rather youre happy all the time or upset all the time or just content... Women in general are very moody. But thats just how we express ourselves. Sometimes we don't know how to say we're upset or we're angry. We sure do know how to show though. Well I said yes I would consider myself to be a very moody person sometimes, most of the time. But I don't understand my moods or emotions. I don't quiet understand my feelings at all. The girl sitting right across the table from me says, I am glad you said that cause most girls dont ever admit to that. Most girls say they know what they feel when they shouldnt cause they're too young too know... I thought that this was just cause my depression and that I was the only one dealing with the Frustation of not understanding my emotions. But I can see how wrong I was when all 5 of the other girls said the same thing. I was kinda relieved to hear that. Made me a little less frustrated with myself.
Well after that was english. Last day of English. We had a test. I hope I did well. Considering the test took up 2hrs of class.... and I had to stay after for 30min to finish... I hope I did pretty good.
Well after school I got back home and around 5pm my besti invites me to the drive in with her and her bf So at 8pm they came and got me and then we went and picked up my boyfriend or ex boyfriend (idk if we got back together or not cause he wont answer if we did or didnt. but he always hugs me and kisses me but still wont answer...UGH...men!!) Well this guy, is the father of the baby that I am carrying at the moment. and we're sitting in the back sear of my besti's boyfriend's car. I am laying on his shoulder with one of his hands around my shoulders and the other hand is on my stomach.
I wanted to cry just so badly. I wasnt even paying attention to the movie cause Saw7, SCARY!!! you have got to be a scary movie fanatic to watch that. So instead of the movie I watched his hand rub across my stomach. The baby had obviously fallen asleep cause neither of us felt anything kicking. but his hand stayed on my stomach.
We have both agreed on adoption our baby out to a couple who can't have kids. I honestly don't want to give up my baby I really don't want to but I need to. I have no job, am in ged classes trying to get thru schooling have my education. and the ppl I live with are kinda forcing the adoption.
I live with my grandparents and every couple of weeks we'll sit and talk about how the baby is doing and they always ask if I still want to do the adoption. Well no i dont want to. I would rather die than give up my baby. I tell them No I dont want to but I will cause I cant even get a job right now so how can I take care of him (tis a baby boy). My grandparents will get very rude with me and tell me that my baby is better off with someone else as his mom rather than me... THats actually very rude to say especailly to someone who already has one child. I mean is my son better off without me too? They make me so so angry but they're the type where they can say whatever the hell they want but when I try to stand up for myself or tell them how wrong they are, they really wont even let me say "hey thats offending me so could you not say that." or they wont let me leave the house unless I take all my stuff with me. So I am just in hell right now.
WHy on earth should a baby be brought into a mess like that???
So I know in my heart that adoption will be best for this baby but, I am starting to feel that its not going to be best for me. I am scared to give my baby up. I am scared to lose him. I love him so much and I dont even know who he his what he looks like or anything about him. I just know he's mine and he's growing and kicking inside of me.
So my ex or current boyfriend has his hand on my stomach and I just want to sit there and cry so much but,,, I dont cause my besti and her boyfriend are sitting right there and I dont want the father of the baby to just run away from me... He's really the only one outta everyone that knows about the new baby, who doesnt judge or isnt rude about it. He's the one I can talk to about the baby...So i cant have him leaving and ignoring me again.
Today is going a lot smoother other than I keep thinking about sooo.o much
Like...I want to move to oklahoma with one of my friends so that I can possibly start a relationship with him and just move on from this life i have here after the adoption (if the adoption goes thru)
If the adoption doesnt go thru then I need to move out of my grandparents house cause they're not gonna be supportive at all. My mom doesnt agree with the adoption cause I didnt go thru an ajency. My dad doesnt speak to me cause of other family issues that dont even involve me. And my biological dad, I have not seen since I was 8yrs old but I do still talk to him and touch base to base once or twice a month. So I have no family that would take me and the new baby in. So I would have to get a job before the baby is born, save up as much money as I can to get a small small apt or move in with a friend and help pay rent...
I am thinking more about keeping the baby now than I was just a month ago. I mean I cant even get it thru my head to even try to imagine going to the hospital 9months pregnant going thru so much and leaving the next day with a broken heart and the knoledge that my baby will be in good care. I have met the couple, they are very nice, well dressed everytime I see them, they have been to every ultrasound appointment. They text me once a week to see how I am doing how the baby is doing. I dont get any pics from ultrasound. They get all the pics. I hate going to ultrasound cause its hard seeing the baby and seeing them both smiling. I always cry but good thing they watch the screen and not me. I love feeling him kick. I always look fwd to laying in bed cause just before I fall asleep he's kicking and moving around probably trying to get comfy:) and he's calm before I go to sleep and wakes me up every day at 7am. :) who needs alarm clocks when youre pregnant with a baby boy who knows exactly where your ribs are.
This kinda helped me stop crying and just got me into a very very calm mood. I should do this journal thing in reality. Maybe give the journal to my parenting teacher and hopefully she could gimme some tips or give her opinion on my situation. This really helps....just getting everything out... Though, it may not make sense since I kinda just bounced around from one thing to another to a completely different thing... but it helped. ((: